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How does a sub know? or at least cut the odds?
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How does a sub know? or at least cut the odds? Something from the past..still applies to discerning the reality of Dom/me prior to r/t meeting and such.. This was done for Me by a good friend by request and is something worth reading IMO One of the most important things that brand new submissives are told before meeting with a Dominant, even for coffee or a lunch, is to be careful, to make sure that safety measures are in place. Many subs are inundated with thoughts of safe calls, making sure that their whereabouts are known, no play at first meeting - and each of these is very important. But what should a new sub who has never met a Dominant learn about that Dom before meeting? What might be some indicators that a meeting shouldn’t take place at all? How can a submissive discern the sincerity of a Dominant? These aren’t easy questions to answer. The answers aren’t easy to follow through on. Many of us are trusting people by nature, or we are searching so diligently and in such a focused manner that we tend to see only what we want to see. Red flags can be overlooked or excused. Things that we know we should do, we don’t do. Most of us are very concerned about not hurting feelings, therefore don’t question. Some of may even think we have no “right” to - they are Dominants, after all, right? Right....or maybe not. I would like to give an example of red flags overlooked that caused pain. There are several I could say, but one really stands out in my mind. As an extremely submissive sub, I long to be controlled, and have a tendency to give control far too soon, far too easily. I know all the things I am writing here, yet am still learning, through painful experience, the value of these lessons. This particular man spoke just the way I needed to hear at that point in time. My submission rose so strongly that I was determined to meet him no matter what. The people in my support system didn’t know until the day I planned to meet him that such a meeting would take place. They had no chance to discuss with me things that I should have heeded but didn’t. One huge red flag that I didn’t heed was that this man hesitated strongly to give me personal info for a safe call to have. He refused at first, and only when I said the meeting wouldn’t take place without it did he give it to me. I wouldn’t have said that had my safe call person not said that he wouldn’t be my contact without that information. We met, we played, we did not enjoy it yet this man “claimed” me as his sub. He told me to stay out of the chat room I frequent. He wanted to know who I chatted with online. He wanted my password to a site where I have a profile so that he could monitor responses. Some of these things aren’t unheard of, may not be unreasonable, but were in this case. We chatted all of two weeks before meeting, and had already had major issues develop, issues which I ignored so that I could meet him. Almost everything I will discuss here, I ignored. I ended up confused, hurt, and whining to my friends about this situation, one which could have, and SHOULD have been avoided. Sadly enough, many people who categorize themselves as Dominant simply aren’t. They may have dominant personalities, but may be domineering rather than the respectful, caring person we wish they all were. So how can brand new subs tell the difference? How can subs know when to stop communicating with someone because things just “aren’t right”? In my experience, one of the best and most effective ways is to ask, ask, ask. Ask other Dominants, other submissives, if they know the person you’re talking with and getting to know. Ask their opinions. Don’t as gossipy type questions, or you’ll get gossip for answers. Ask questions designed to help you learn the type of person you are talking with. Reputation is so very important in this life, especially nowadays when so many meet each other in the impersonal online realm. And if one’s reputation is tainted, you will eventually find out. But what if “eventually” doesn’t happen soon enough? What if asking others about reputation isn’t enough? There are other things you need to ask. First, ask the person you’re talking with for references. This is one thing that is sometimes discussed, but seldom followed up on. Why is this so very important? If someone can’t provide the name of at least one person who will talk with you about personality, Dom style, play style, things you need to know about before meeting, then you should be suspicious. Privacy is important, yes. But most in this life realize that safety is more important. Getting references is only half the step though - you MUST check the references. Having names without checking them out is like stepping up to the plate without a bat. It accomplishes nothing. And there are some people out there who count on references not being asked for or checked. Please be the one that breaks that mold for them, that exposes them, if you get into communication with one of that type. Ok, so you’re talking with this person. You’ve asked others about reputation, you’ve obtained and checked references. You’re safe. There are no other things for you to consider. Except for things you can pick up on yourself, you’re absolutely right. What can you see for yourself that others can’t really help you with? Lots of things, actually. I recently asked this question in a chat room I frequently, and some of the thoughts expressed were very interesting. Honest people are consistent people. If you keep hearing conflicting, confusing responses, question them. If you don’t get satisfactory answers, that is a huge red flag about this person. Red flags are called that for a reason. They are easily seen when a train is on a track, indicating trouble ahead. Relationship red flags do the same, indicate trouble. A frequent indicator of trouble is the tendency for those insincere or inexperienced "Doms" to attempt to isolate the subs they talk with, sometimes, surprisingly, almost from the beginning. If you talk with someone who wants to cut off your access to others, or asks you to give up friends or resources, you have to question why. What purpose does it serve for you to not have other friends, a support system or sources for information and advice outside the relationship? Who would you be totally dependent upon for emotional support then? Is that healthy? Is that something you need, crave, desire? In a “vanilla” relationship, we would say that this is a jealous, possessive person who wants to control someone. In a “vanilla” relationship, this would be considered abusive. Guess what. It is the same in D/s. This is something that should give great pause if it is happening in a relationship you are in, or are thinking of beginning. How does this person talk about others in the lifestyle, whether Dom or sub? Is there always respect shown or sometimes disrespect? Does this person become an “authority” on every subject discussed? Do you constantly hear how “real” this person is, and given examples as to why? A lot of times the examples of “realness” follow your describing previous relationships - this serves a dual purpose. First, it causes you to question your ability to choose partners. Second, it is seen as a way to make others seem less, therefore building themselves up. Life doesn’t work that way. Dominants don’t need to prove their sincerity, it becomes apparent with repeated contact. What are some other red flags? Well, some comments I heard in a chat room which I frequent were pretty specific. “major red flag - He can only call you, you can't call Him”; “he asks you for you picture and name but fails to offer his or hers”; “he drops names and you know the folks and he doesn’t but says he does”; “if he wants to meet you someplace away from his home area and not in public”; “ok, he tells you not to tell anyone that you are exchanging emails and im's is a red flag”; “Many Dom/mes have the nasty habit of belittling other people's technique.” These are comments from experienced Dominants as well as submissives. This is good advice. This is tried and true advice. Heed it. So, after talking about certain things to be on the lookout for regarding talking with Doms, red flags if you will, can we say that if none of these is noticeably present that the person is sincere? Not necessarily. What are things that happen naturally with sincere Doms? Well, a Dom will freely volunteer information, personal information. He will recognize that this is a common sense safety measure and will have your safety on his mind. From the beginning, he will be consistent in his thoughts and ideas, and his statements and actions will reflect that. He will be respectful of you, will not expect instant submission/obedience to him. He will freely admit his mistakes and will accept respectfully given, constructive remarks about him. He will accept responsibility for his actions and decisions, and recognize that there are always consequences for them whether positive or negative. He will take the time to earn trust and respect and not demand it from the beginning. I hope that one thing comes through here - the aspect that time will tell. Time is all that will tell you how sincere a Dom is. How much time? Who knows? But no matter how big a hurry we get into, isn’t it so much better to wait for genuineness than to settle and be hurt? Doms won’t rush things. Why should we, or why should we want them to? To close, I would like to give a scenario describing how a newbie sub can and should go about interaction with a Dom before meeting him. First, more impersonal interaction is in order. There should be no sharing of deep dark secrets or fantasies from the very beginning, by either party. Get to know one another on a friend level is vital for success, I believe. You won’t feel pressured or rushed, or feel as if you’re competing for him as a Dom. He won’t feel that you’re so desperate to submit that you would submit to anyone who called himself Dom. During conversation, you’ll look for inconsistencies, and know that he is doing the same. You’ll look for the red flags discussed above, and he will look for his own red flags. When both feel as if you know one another well enough and feel comfortable doing so, a meeting, with all safety precautions in place, might be in order. This is after references have been checked, and personal information has been exchanged of course. The meet will be in a public place with no possibility for play - it’s best if there are no possibilities, because the temptation is always there. And of course, you have friends who know where you are and who you are with, and who have talked with you, given you guidance, regarding this meeting. It sometimes seems hopeless, I know. Finding someone trustworthy to meet and to show you the BDSM ropes - pun intended - is a time consuming activity. But it is well worth it if submissive is who you are. Hang in there and have fun! |
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2/7/2007 2:22 pm |
A fantastic piece to blog Sir *hugs and kisses* A great for newbies, a great for us all. The safety barrier can never be dropped so its a good reminder to all, Dom/mes and subs alike. Much to be learned for this piece. Your girl ~lass~
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2/8/2007 6:57 am |
An excellent and informative blog Sir... this one has rushed in were angels would fear to tread but was lucky enough to come out unscathed ... and it was more good luck than good judgement ... lets hope many read and take heed from it Sir. YNSMs_jacina
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TM, First off, allow me to welcome you to BlogVille *s* I am pleased to see yet another friend to join and share knowledge with those that are new or interested in WIITWD. Your words, well spoken. RED flags should always be "noted" with strong convictions, or a possible "revisit". Good read, my friend. Happy Valentines day, Sugar. For all Time, Lady Hunter {=} After all the sex is gone, there is the mind - Lady Hunter / BAB Copyright © House of Lady Hunter 1998-2009 
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2/9/2007 6:58 pm |
Thanks for the information, I have just started looking into BDSM as I further explore the me I want to be & what I'm looking for.
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