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Communication - the soul of D/s
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Communication - the soul of D/s Once, several years back, I asked a submissive friend who I had been Mentoring to tell Me from her perspective about communication in a D/s relationship. Some of the points made in her very thorough answer I had not to that point considered. The answer is posted below for D and s alike to consider. The internalization of these points isn't as easy as the reading thereof, but is worth the effort IMO. We all hear about the importance of communication in relationships. It happens in every relationship, even when we think it doesn’t. Why is this such an important aspect for relationships? There are so many ways that the very basic, taken for granted, often trivialized idea of good communication is vital. When it is present, it isn’t usually commented on, even to the point of potentially being taken for granted. Not talking is so talked about at times, that other, possibly deeper issues are left undiscussed. This could be a masking of true problems, and is blamed for relationships breaking up sometimes, when in reality it could be a symptom rather than the cause. What do I mean by good communication though? Talking is good isn’t it? Discussing issues is always positive, right? Well.... What are some elements of good communication? Well, some are fairly obvious. There has to be all three elements present - sender, message, and receiver. Mis-communication happens when one or more of these elements is interfered with. Good communication happens when the message is sent and received clearly, so simply discussing an issue won’t always be positive by any means. One person may state explicitly what was meant, but the other person hears something totally different than what was intended, and vice versa. Why is this important in a D/s relationship, possibly even more than in a vanilla one? One possible reason may be the defined roles and expectations in D/s relationships. The accountability that happens because of these roles and expectations requires open, honest, total communication to take place, there are no substitutes. Open, honest, total communication is non-negotiable. Open communication, to me, means feeling free to express whatever needs to be expressed, no matter the topic. Openness requires that there be no taboos. Now, does this mean that from the very beginning of a relationship total, honest answers to any question asked should be given? No, a very emphatic no. Just as you wouldn’t disclose all your deeply personal thoughts and feelings to a stranger you met on the street, so you shouldn’t answer any question someone who calls himself Dom asks, simply because you are asked. How do you keep from answering without shutting communication off totally and completely? Well, the words “I am not comfortable answering that right now” are usually effective, respectful, and also keep open the possibility that, if the relationship develops in a positive manner, you will answer sometime in the future. You should also understand that the reverse is also true. Not every one of your questions will be answered either. The way refusal to answer questions is worded and communicated is a very important thing to consider when thinking about continuing to talk with someone. Why? Because communication is how you know a person’s thoughts and feelings. If rudeness is exhibited, it says something about that person. If respect, it says something different. And if deeply personal questions are asked out of simple curiosity too soon into a relationship, then that also says a lot about the person doing the asking. But when should you start discussing some things that you don’t necessarily feel comfortable discussing? This one is subjective to a huge degree, because trust doesn’t develop between different people at the same rate. No one can tell you that after 2 months he should know x number of things about you, or you’re being evasive. But be aware that you have a responsibility to evaluate your trust level occasionally, especially if you have put off answering things he feels are important for him to know. This is a fine line, of course, and very subjective as I said before. Seeing someone else make himself vulnerable to you will go a long way to build trust in him, trust which enables you to become vulnerable yourself. If you have someone who doesn’t want to open up to you, but asks deeply personal questions of you with the expectation that you reveal things to him that you don’t feel comfortable doing, then you should consider the communication between the two of you as not open, therefore not good communication. Within the D/s world, open communication does mean that there are no taboo subjects. Trust and respect are of paramount importance, and trust can only be built through communication. With no trust, there can be little respect as well. So eventually, things that we don’t want to discuss must be discussed. Note my deliberate use of the word eventually. Don’t jump into disclosing too much too soon, or expecting too much too soon. These types of expectations turn potential relationships into train wrecks just waiting to happen. Don’t derail what might be a good friendship, if not more, by having expectations set far too high. I’m going to use an example from my own life. I have a friend, a Dom, with whom I have a very deep, very special friendship. To begin with, our friendship was nowhere near this deep though. We have known each other almost two years, and I still say things like “I’m not sure I want to say this”, or “How can I word this so it doesn’t come out the wrong way?”. His response? “Just say it, this is Me you’re talking to.” He’s right. Our friendship has developed gradually, yet persistently, to the point that there are no taboo subjects. This did not happen overnight, but it did happen through increasing willingness to become vulnerable, to risk rejection, on both parts. What did I just say? Risk rejection? How could my very good, long term friend ever reject me? Well, I reject myself much of the time, why wouldn’t He? Talking about subjects that are very difficult is not an easy thing to do. Each of us sometimes says things like “if I were in her shoes I wouldn’t accept this or that”. But would we? Do we? Think of someone you are very close to. Is there anything about that person that would make you stop being his/her friend? We should trust the bonds of a relationship enough to realize that these feelings go both ways. If something needs to be discussed, then bring it up when you feel the time is right. Yes, you will fear being rejected. We all do. If your relationship is strong, you won’t be though. This type of communication will only help it grow stronger. You’ve decided that openness in communication is a good thing, yet will take it very slow in some things. Very good. Now, what if you’re asked something you don’t mind sharing, but maybe not the full story? Or maybe you could shade it a little so that you are always seen in a more positive light than you might be seen? Just a little bit dishonest, I understand. But dishonesty is something that shouldn’t happen within the parameters of a D/s relationship. For instance, you’re asked about certain medical conditions. He asks if you have any allergies. You have had asthma attacks in the past related to allergies, but haven’t had one in three years, so you don’t mention it. Something in the place you meet to scene triggers an allergic reaction leading to an asthma attack. You weren’t honest when you told him no allergies, so he is unprepared. Not a good situation. This also applies to emotional things as well. Trust can’t develop where there is dishonesty, or that the communication between two people isn’t open and honest in all ways. Even if it involves saying and hearing things that hurt. Maybe especially then, I’m not sure. One of the most fabulous places in the world for me is subspace. It is a treat for me to experience, believe me. But for me to get there requires a great deal of trust on my part, and on the Dom’s part to be able to take me there. Trust only happens when there is good communication. Nothing can be held back or altered. If I have a problem with role playing, then I have an obligation to say that I do, and when the trust is established enough and I want to, then to say why I do. He can’t know about things role playing might trigger in my past unless I tell him, can he? And since I am nowhere near as experienced as he is, then he might realize some other activities I should not be put in the position to experience - things that might trigger reactions that I didn’t expect. Communication won’t solve every problem that a relationship could potentially have, but it will go a long way towards minimizing them. Now, you think you’re a good communicator. You could very well be. But what if there is someone with whom you can’t seem to find the right method of getting your thoughts across the way you intended them? Clarity of the words used is a good thing to focus on. What you say and what he hears may be totally different, even if half creation would understand your meaning using the words you used. Whose fault is that? Who cares? Learn to restate and move on, rather than focusing on the mis-communication happening. Be clear and precise. Get a thesaurus. Ask him to “parrot” back to you what you said to check for understanding or where misunderstandings are happening. If even one small area is questionable, clarify it. One small clarification may be all it takes to prevent this type of thing from happening in the future. Precision is important as well. Speak to the point. Chasing rabbits is fun, it can make for interesting conversation when communication isn’t about issues, but it is counterproductive to effective communication as a whole. Clarity and precision also come into play when discussing scenes, and scene-related issues. When he says ‘flogging’ what do you hear? When you say ‘breast torture’ what does he hear? Some things must be discussed clearly and precisely, and blunt terminology usually helps to accomplish that. Sometimes one must use terms that aren’t present in every day speech. Some BDSM terms aren’t always clear, or we may THINK we know what something is, but aren’t sure. If you’re not sure, ask. If the wording is vague, ask for clarification, even if it means rewording what you think is being said, using blunt language. Some things are far too important to leave to chance. Safe words might be considered the ultimate BDSM communication tool, how can you trust that it will be heard and heeded if other communication isn’t happening? We’ve discussed some characteristics of good communication, and touched on its importance, but exactly why is it considered a vital aspect of relationships? How and why can good communication promote a D/s relationship? Well, first of all, because of the roles, expectations, and accountability present in this type of relationship - more well defined than in other types of relationships - good communication can’t be taken for granted, nor can it stop with longevity of a relationship. Individuals aren’t static, we are all constantly growing and changing. Individuals make couples. If individuals change, those changes must be constantly communicated for relationships to grow and change. Relationships aren’t static either, as each person develops, so should the relationship. This can only happen through communication, there is no substitute. With healthy, productive communication comes healthy, positive relationships. I am not saying it is easy, because it isn’t. So many times frustration sets in, and communication is blocked even more. It is when both people have a sincere desire to improve communication, and make it top priority, that improvements can be made. The results are tremendous, and very easily seen. And it is so very well worth it. |
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TM, It is apparent that this sub was involved in or associated with Quality Control. Fascinating how some of the simplest of things are overlooked. Ones perceptions will vary on communication and the effectiveness of it. It would be interesting to see what others perceive "openness" to be. I find the key elements at times to be very simple, whereas others find them to be otherwise. To me, time has much to do with a successful D/s - M/s relationships. As you said, it is not all that easy to internalize. It is however essential to make the effort. Take the time. On all accounts; Each side. Structure comes to mind here along with what message you are sending. Anyone can think they are communicating. The key is are you doing it effectively? This is something we all need to revisit at times. It was good to visit. Thank you for sharing a worthy read. What did you think of her essay? For all Time, Hunter After all the sex is gone, there is the mind - Lady Hunter / BAB Copyright © House of Lady Hunter 1998-2009 
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