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This blog is for my getting things off my chest: topics i can't really talk freely to friends about as they can not truly understand without experiencing it for themselves.
This Blog is also for those of you out there, like me, who have a special gift, and feel alone, seperated from the rest of humanity because of it. I write this blog on the hope that i might help just one person struggling with acceptance of psychic potential, not feel so alone like i did when first coming to grips with my differences.
For those of you viewing that dont have a gift and think that this is all fiction - thats fine, i dont expect you to believe or understand, something like this needs to be experienced.
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where 2 start
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Posted:Aug 21, 2007 1:51 am
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2007 10:54 am
1392 Views
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you would think that the start would be the smart place to start my tale, but working out when that was might be a bit too hard. I could make the assumption that i was born this way or that it was because the impact stories like 'star wars' & king arthur had on me as a & how i dreamed of being a jedi or a wizard with a sword, but as a i knew no special gift, just a willingness to believe in magic.
But this isn't really the start of it - and the start of my enlightenment was more stop start like peak hour trafic on the freeway than a light bulb appearing above my head.
So I've decided to forget chronology for the moment & start from that moment in time which made me wish to drop out of chat & delete my previous profile for the lame 'sod all u sheep' profile that i should delete - especially seeing the previous one got responses such as 'your profiles beautiful' or 'i loved reading every word of it', {not that i got a single date from it  }.
Anyway thats enough for the intro blog - i'll continue my tale in my next blog 'looking into the abyss'
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looking into the abyss
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Posted:Aug 21, 2007 3:37 am
Last Updated:Sep 2, 2007 6:32 am
1395 Views
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I went thru a bit of a rough patch during the first half of the year, I'm one of those that have been screwed by PM(Aust) John Howards IR law changes; though I have to accept some of the responsibility for my predicament myself.
I better expalin:
First and foremost i am an empath, it was this that lead to the moment of self discovery that i was different. Nobody had ever actually told me to my face i was different, it was one of those things everyone assumes you know, and feel uncomfortable bringing up such a personal topic to your face, so i would catch half heard comments that didnt seem to make much sense, indeed even crazy-bordering insane. The sort of comments youd write off as 'they must be on drugs or something' then dismiss them. But when it keeps happening its starts to niggle at ur subconscience. Then one day i was down stairs in my neighbour's appartment, with his new girlfriend and one of the older ladies that lived with us in the appartment complex. It was his girlfriend that openly aired the comment 'ive can feel that you dont like me' (which was sort of true - I thought that she was completely up herself - so much so that you'd have to thrust a stick up her backside to find her head), then the older lady there said 'dont worry about it we all get feelings like that off him from time to time'. I think i was dumbfounded at that moment, and even then i tried to write it off in my head as fantasy, But... Well cutting this digression short since then ive learned abit about it & wot i can do with it.
so anyway back 2 wot i was initially talkin about
the reason i'm partly responsible for my predicament is that I dont like being the center of attension and feeling all eyes on me, so I find myself doing crappy jobs that allow me to fly under the radar & never hang around in the one job 4 too long. This means that im stuck with jobs that dont get penalty rates leave entitlements etc (my current job has me on a midnite shift & weekends - getting paid the same as those working from 9am mon-fri). But the jobs themselves havent been the problem.
I suppose thats been more a reflection on myself & society. Its an issue of respect. A word thats meaning seems 2 b disappearing more rapidly with every generation.
At the begining of last year if you had asked me what/who are you - i would have answered 'I am a writer' (i cant really call myself a Sithlord {sith use there emotions where jedi deny them}-due to negative connotation & emo wizard sounds gay) , but over the last year, house rental prices have doubled, yet low end pays have dropped, meaning that even when i was working full time hours & a part time job I was struggling financially to stay afloat, gone was the idea of owning a home & I had to give up on the idea of even being in a relationship as I couldnt find the money to take a girl out on a date more expensive than a movie, especially seeing i no longer have transport (paying off a bank loan on a motor cycle that split in half whilst i was going around a corner). All this affected my psyche so much so that it affected my writing, to the point i was just deleting anything new id worked on as crap (im a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to this) & finally i stopped writing anything other than ideas for my writing journal - to be looked at at a later date when my head and heart r in it.
It was this image of self (or lack there of)that was eminating from me - my strong emotions project outwards from me unless i intensionally raise 'shields' to stop them (which can be quite draining). It was during this period period that a friend of mine (in my inner circle of friends) made a new friend, and the downward spiral started. He is one of those people that use others to attempt to elevate there own position in the world. & I am a pacifist, some would say submissive (outside of the bedroom) I have broad shoulders and having experienced my anger in full rage would rather put up with things like water off a ducks back than let my soul darken again (the taint of darkness lingers long after the act ive noticed), & so at first i put up with his childish ways, as i realised that it was a reflection on how others had made him feel in his past. But then it started to get beyond a joke - as ive said to friends after the games room incident - i dont care what u say to me as long as its said with a smile & respect - & from him i never got any respect. So I tried the 'adult way' of dealing with it - i told my friend that it was pissing me off enough for me to do something about it if he didnt show some respect soon - but the moron wouldnt listen or respect our mutual friends request to back off (my friend had been around me at the IGA(supermarket) we both used 2 work for, when i last decided to let my annoyance known - and neither he (he actually told the shift manager that there was no way hed enter the isle i was stacking) nor any other employee {or customer for that matter} would come over to the side of the building i was on, whilst my annoyance eminated from me - they even had to change which checkouts were open as customers refused to enter the radius of my throbbing emminations) He had the view of 'I'm 6'4" and a 140kg wot u gonna do - why dont you go if you cant handle it'. Then one day my friend and i were playing warhammer in the games room & he'd come over after he finished work, (hes a butchers apprentice & had blood all over his hands) Me - i'm a vego with long hair that id washed that day. he came up behind me and grab my ponytail & proceeded to stick it down his crotch and grab my head, like he was fucking it & i was his bitch. At first i told him to get his bloody hands the fuck off me - he just thought this funny and kept going. My head dropped, I felt so crushed inside and even though my eyes were closed i could see a darkness bubbling up towards me, I was looking into the abyss. It was this moment that i decided that i (nor anyone else) should ever feel this feeling again - so i stood up in his face and battered his hands off me. He thought this funny and just kept trying thinking that there was nothing i could do to make him stop (even though im 6'1" and about 100kg (220lb). I just kept hitting his hands away or twisting my arm free of him & soon after he had an epifony, and realised that he was actually trying & i was holding him off with one hand (my left was balled into a fist, almost spasming to be unleashed) If it wasnt for that realisation on his part I might have killed him, but when i heard his thought a smile crossed my face & i used my ki energy (no physical connection) to knock him out on his feet (in front of everyone else) he regained conscienceness a minute later and went straight to checking to see if id broken his nose - extremely humbled, almost reminding me of a thats been beaten its whole life & fearing for the next boot into it.
this lead me to not only being pissed off due to the situation but also at myself for allowing it to get that far, especially seeing that it took about a month for my blood to fully come down to a sociable level.
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lessons learnt
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Posted:Sep 2, 2007 7:53 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2017 7:16 pm
1566 Views
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I've decided to back to an event that taught me a lot about responability associated with power.
(I feel ive already purged this from my system the first time i wrote this b4 Senior Sizzle erased all but the above intro due to the inclusion of the word meaning 'female hero' )
Many years ago (1993) a friend who knew of my exploration of magic asked me for a favour, he asked me to cast a spell to save his newborn - she was in hospital and the doctors had said that there was nothing for them to do but wait for the inevitable end. Id never tried anything like this so i had no idea if i could do anything about it, so i said that i would try.
Due to a lack of emotional connection I had my friend aid me with the casting - not that he had much to do with it - he was just an emotional battery for me 2 drain during the casting. I'd sent him off after, he'd asked me, to go find the incense that best connected 2 him & one scent to represent his , he also had 2 find a candle for the casting (I also had 2 find a candle for the casting - but had my incense at home already) That night after i arived at his place we set up it the room that would be his daughters. and started the casting.
within 36 hours of the casting she had made a full recovery with no trace of the disease, the head nurse had never heard of anyone ever surviving.
(I should prob point out that im not a natural healer i didnt attempt to cure the disease - i cheated by making sure that she existed at a future point in our timeline - and thus the law of paradox would eradicate the disease)
After hearing this i was quite full of myself. I felt 'godlike' (its the only way i can describe the feeling). It wasnt till later that the reality of the situation dawned upon me.
you see my friend had ended the relationship many months b4 his ex ended up pregnant, he was seeing a new girl & shed gone to another state to live, only coming back for her b'day. The night of her b'day they had hooked up for one last farewell - & she had told him that she was on the pill so he wouldnt need protection. she wasnt and fell pregnant. She told him that if he wasnt with her he would never see their , she then also told as much to his catholic parents who hounded him back into a relationship he thought hed escaped from (though he refused 2 marry her). Things were ok at first but she back to dominating him (& he wasnt a willing sub), then depression set in and the doctor put him on prozac. Then he found out that he was about to be the father of a 2nd unplanned (only unplanned by him) . His depression worsened and he started taking a substance named after a female hero. A year or so later she started talking about how the govt would give them over $500 a week if they had a third - he immediately went to the doctors & had emergency surgery to tie his tubes the next day.
Eventually the substance had taken her as well, just after he was crawling out of the pit. he got a job, loan and was doing well & she cleaned out 'their' accounts credit card & sold his 4x4 (which was on heavy repayments) & flew off across the country & ended selling herself to support her habit after the money (for which he declared bankruptcy) was gone.
I felt so responsible for what had happened i stopd practicing for a long time. Even though he had asked my aid i never stopd 2 think about the consequences of my action & explain them 2 him b4 going thru with it, if things such as fate destiny or a 'grand plan' are true then i destroyed his chance to walk away from the relationship at that point and go on with the life and dreams he had.
Thankfully now hes happy, has legal custody of both daugters (that he loves v much) and has found an married some1 special.
But this did teach me the importance of sitting back and considering all possible consequences b4 acting
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