Meet Jack Schitt.
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Posted:Mar 13, 2010 8:12 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2024 10:56 pm
8025 Views
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Meet Jack Schitt.
Jack is the only of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree:
In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one , Jack.
Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe Schitt produced 6 :
Holie Schitt (who came to be known as "The Lucky Schitt")
Fulla Schitt
Shineola (who didn't really have the Schitt Face)
Giva Schitt
Bull Schitt (who really looked like Schitt, the father),
and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deap Schitt.
Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt", and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced no little Schitts.
The other twin, Deap Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell Like Schitt". Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on your pits." When the company launched its product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: "Smell Like Schitt Down Under".
But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern woman, she decided to hyphenate her name. She become known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a of nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt.
Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt.
These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.
The "Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also produced many offspring:
Dawg Schitt
Byrd Schitt
Hoarse Schitt
and Pigh Schitt
But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with his newest bride, Pisa.
Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living without in New Jersey on property which contains a stream of water, now known to the locals as "Schitt Creek."
From now on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!
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Is This Sexy?
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Posted:Feb 28, 2010 7:09 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2024 10:56 pm
7639 Views
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Is This Sexy?
On the scale of 1 to 10.
Post your sexy vote.
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The Drunk's Bathroom Experience.
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Posted:Feb 19, 2010 7:28 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2024 10:56 pm
7385 Views
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  The Drunk's Bathroom Experience.
This guy is sitting in a bar drunk.
He asks the bartender where's the bathroom at?
The bartender said, go down the hall and make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hear's this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out my balls."
With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!
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Mypenis.....this is funny.
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Posted:Jan 16, 2010 9:00 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2024 10:56 pm
7369 Views
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Mypenis.
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was 'Mypenis'?
Mypenis ate my homework.
Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
I love giving Mypenis a bath.
Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
Help! I can't find Mypenis!
Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...
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More things to think about.
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Posted:Jan 4, 2010 9:19 am
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2010 1:39 am
7115 Views
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More things to think about.
The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
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You know you're a redneck when...
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Posted:Dec 25, 2009 9:00 am
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2010 1:39 am
8314 Views
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You know you're a redneck when...
1. You take your for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls -- and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
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Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Someone's Used Sofa.
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Posted:Dec 25, 2009 8:54 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2024 10:56 pm
7859 Views
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Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Someone's Used Sofa.
1. There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".
2. The cushions begin crawling away.
3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud"
bumper sticker.
4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
5. What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to be moving.
6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged
several miles on its side.
7. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
8. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.
9. A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".
10. It has its own nickname.
11. More than a dozen people know its nickname.
12. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.
13. Someone appears to have constucted a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a gluegun.
14. There are mushrooms growing on the back.
15. It seems to generate its own heat.
16. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
17. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.
18. It growls when you sit on it.
19. It has a faint smell of ammonia.
20. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.
21. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
22. There's a coin slot on the armrest.
23. There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".
24. The owner occassionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them.
25. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
26. You hear scampering noises inside.
27. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ flyswatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin
28. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
+ used prophylactics
+ the muffler from a '72 Dodge
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Part 2. 30 Things Women Should Not Say To Men In Bed.
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Posted:Dec 25, 2009 8:46 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2024 10:56 pm
7605 Views
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Part 2. 30 Things Women Should Not Say To Men In Bed.
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. Why don't we just cuddle?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
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Part 1. 30 Things Women Should Not Say To Men In Bed.
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Posted:Dec 25, 2009 8:44 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2024 10:56 pm
7726 Views
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Part 1. 30 Things Women Should Not Say To Men In Bed.
1. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
4. But it still works, right?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Who circumcised you?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. That explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
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How to tell if it is going to be a rotten day.
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Posted:Dec 21, 2009 11:32 am
Last Updated:Dec 25, 2009 8:47 am
7513 Views
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 How to tell if it is going to be a rotten day.
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4. You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
last night, and there aren't any.
7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke
and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
10. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck
as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.
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Funny Marketing Slogans For Viagra:
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Posted:Dec 20, 2009 10:39 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2024 10:56 pm
7476 Views
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Funny Marketing Slogans For Viagra:
* Viagra, The quicker dicker upper.
* Viagra, One-a-day, like iron.
* Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
* Viagra, Home of the whopper.
* Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em.
* Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
* Viagra, You never come up short.
* Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.
These are funny, now make some up and post them. 
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Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall neighbor.
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Posted:Dec 12, 2009 4:15 am
Last Updated:Dec 13, 2009 12:33 pm
7386 Views
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except for posting this.
Have you ever sat on a toilet in a public rest room waiting to take a dump, and having nothing else to do but just sit there on your ass waiting, and waiting to shit? Well, here are some ways to amuse yourself while your waiting to shit.
Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall neighbor.
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'may I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh No! My glass eye!'
6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, 'Now how did that get in there.'
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
10. Say, 'Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
12. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now.'
13. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
14. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
15. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
16. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free.' 
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Four Disadvantages of Being a Penis.
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Posted:Dec 11, 2009 6:11 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2024 10:56 pm
7280 Views
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Four Disadvantages of Being a Penis.
1. You are always hanging around with a couple of nuts.
2. You live next door to an asshole.
3. All of your best friends are pussies.
4. Every time you try to get ahead, you end up in the hole!
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To link to this blog (blkcplnid) use [blog blkcplnid] in your messages.
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