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I would have to say Prince's "Purple Rain" album. Post yours!!
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Posted:Feb 23, 2006 4:54 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2006 8:33 am
1156 Views
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We all have an album in our collection that we might be embarssed owning, or just don't go out of our way to tell people about it. Mine is obviously the one above. I can't help it. I don't like ANY of his other stuff, but I like this one, and its hidden in my collection. 
Post yours!
(Not that alot of people read my blog, but maybe I'll get a few brave souls.)
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Don't keep vaseline laying around....
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Posted:Feb 21, 2006 6:57 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
995 Views
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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous.
"If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
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She always says yes! Always!
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Posted:Feb 20, 2006 7:06 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2006 8:40 am
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No woman has ever said no to me.
No woman has ever said, "You're not my type".
No woman has ever turned me down for sex.
No woman has ever left me, but some have devastated me.
You think I'm bragging? Do you think I'm full of myself, and think it can't happen? You're wrong.
What I'm trying to say is... The reasons that I've never been turned down for anything is... Patience, respect, thoughtfulness, and the right timing. When the time comes for any of these things to happen. There's no need for questions or suggestions. It just happens. We can feel it.
Thank you, that is all...
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I still remember just the way you taste (continued part 2) (Censored)
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Posted:Feb 20, 2006 5:23 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2006 8:41 am
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Gonna try this again, with a more clean version.
Continued...
I could smell the leather in her car. You could tell it was new. As we talked, my mind was racing. I couldn't believe I was even in her car, much less what was about to happen. Then the fear starts to creep in. I had just gotten rid of a four year relationship. She was the only (girl) I had ever been with. I started thinking of how inexperienced I was because of my age and only being with one girl. I was very.... "humbled" at this thought. Only knew how to please one girl. Was this going to be like driving a car?
Stop right there!! I can feel your gears turning, and your internal dialogue whispering. I was 19, gimme a break!
She held my hand as she led my way to her door. I still turn around and look whenever I smell that perfume she was wearing today, just to see who it is sporting it. We go in and sit on the couch. After a few more drinks, I notice the margin of distance between us on the couch has slowly decreased. We kiss, and she looks at me with a smile. As things start to heat up, I feel her hand moving up my thigh. The hairs on the back of my neck totally stood up on end. She rubs my (censored), which had absolutely no affect on me because I was already rock hard. She could tell because I heard a little giggle.
She takes off my shirt and begins to kiss my and suck on my nipples as she starts to unbutton my pants. She pulls (censored), as I still had my pants on. I feel her tongue slide down (censored).
I don't know what happened to me at this point. My adrenaline kicked in, my lust screaming through any thought I had. Like a switch, I went from sub to dom so to speak, in about 5 seconds.
I grabbed her hair and kissed her intensely. After taking her hand, I pull her off the couch, and begin to search for something that looked like a bedroom. There it is.... I grabbed her with one arm and started kissing again. My other hand starts to take off shirt. It didn't take much of that before she started undressing herself.
I laid her on the bed. This is the first time that I had seen her face go from a saucy flirtatious smile, to a surprised expression. After allot of exploring each other, she makes a move to downward towards (censored). I firmly push her back up to the pillows. Parted her legs with a touch from my hand and moved down into position.
Kissing and licking the upper part of her thighs by her knee on the left side. I slowly kiss my way to the (censored), and tongue the crease in-between her leg and (censored). I lick across to the other side, and up that lag. Her back arched at the split second my tongue grazed her (censored) and clit. I continue with the right side, sliding my tongue down and kissing her thighs. I get close to her center, and stop. She opens her eyes up and looks at me.
I whisper, turn over....
She turns over onto her stomach, and I start kissing the back of her neck. Making my way down her spine, I feel shivers. The goose bumps start to rise. Lightly, I put small kisses on different parts of her back. (I've had this done to me before, and not knowing where the next kiss is going to land drove me nuts). She starts squirming a bit, so I decide to flip her over.
Her hard breathing and increased wetness caught my attention. I drop between her again, but this time, I wasn't playing. After finding what rhythm she liked, and how much pressure she enjoyed... the first one took about 30 seconds. So I went for another 20 minutes.
She looked exhausted, but I was very ready to get started. She asked if I usually left my ring in, and I said yes. We get into a rhythm, and I was seeing stars. (it might have been the Jager).
I had never seen a woman (censored) as much as she did. The milky white (censored) that soaked the condom I was using was amazing. this lady was a faucet I would never of wanted to shut off.
She showed me positions I had never tried or thought of before. I kept hearing, "tell me when your close baby". When I could feel myself ready to burst, she ripped that condom off me, (censored). This had never been done to me before. I felt like I had 5 years of backed up plumbing I came so much.
Lots of other things happened in the weeks after, but you get the jist of it.
Now reading the (censored) version, this event in my life was well.... boring?
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I still remember just the way you taste.
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Posted:Feb 15, 2006 7:00 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2006 8:41 am
1105 Views
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This is a memory that I have. I'm sharing a moment of life, a picture in my album. It's not an erotic story made up just for your entertainment. If you don't like it, I don't really care. 
I saw her red dress first. The other parts started coming into focus. The club was loud, and my friends and I were having just another night out. She wasn't a beauty queen. She was attractive, but it was something else that caught my attention. To this day, I still am not sure what it was.
I turned around and kept drinking and laughing with my friends. You know.. those good times, when nothing else matters. Every couple of minutes I turn to glance at her. We make eye contact almost every time. I sense a connection, but keep my desires to myself. She was there was some friends, and they were having a good time dancing. We lock eyes again, and she smiles.
Another hour passes, another jager bottle down. I can tell they are about to leave. You know whats coming right? What if I would have... Should I of.... Forget it I thought. I'm with friends having the time of my life. I don't want to ruin this with a turn down from a beautiful girl.
Tapped on the shoulder, I turn around. I see red, look up and I see an almost annoyed face.
"You're an idiot, do you know that?"
This is one of the few moments in my life where I was lost for words. She continues with..
"I've been waiting for you to talk to me all night, but now I'm leaving. Would you like to give me you're number?"
At this point in time, even my friends have completely forgot the conversation that we were all in, and are just staring at me.
I write down my phone number, and hand it to her. She laughs as if she were about to throw it back in my face. She says, "Do you have a name? You didn't write it down, and you haven't said a word do me!"
I sit there feeling like I have the emotion and commucation skills of a 10 year old. I told her my name, and introduced her to my friends. She says "you'll be hearing from me soon." Then promptly walks out the door.
We talk several times on the phone. I'm back to my normal self now, and can carry on a conversation. She wants to meet up some time, and have a few drinks. She'll let me know.
(I'm 19 at this time with a fake id, and she knows this. She's 35).
A couple of weeks later I was at another bar, very much (Lit). I get a call from her. She hears the music and wants to know if she can come hang out. I say sure. She shows up 20 minutes later. The sexual vibes and suggestive behavior that was coming from this woman were overwhelming. Totally in control, and assertive at what her intentions are.
I'm very much three sheets to the wind at this point. I exuse myself to the bathroom. As I'm replaying what is happening in my mind, I hear the door open. I didn't turn to look, until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jump (who wouldn't in a mens bathroom?!?!)
She whispers in my ear, its ok, I just came to make sure you were ok. I'm totally blown away at this point. Let me help you my lil lush. She grabs me with her hand while I'm at the urinal doing my thing, and starts kissing my neck. She then moves up to my ear. It's like she could read my mind. I swear my ears have a nerve connected to my dick. A kiss or a tongue on my ear sets me off. "Very nice...Oh my, I have never seen piercings like that before" She was refering to my Prince Albert, and ladder.
She says, "You're coming home with me tonight, so be ready, and tell your friends you have a ride home." I have never in my life up to this point had a woman be so forward or direct to me about anything.
It was so many things, her boldness, her steadfast mind set, the thought that any minute someone could of walked in and saw her doing that, but she didn't care. My knees had never felt so weak. We go to her apartment....
I'll have save rest for part 2.
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Lick me, explore me, and violate me, my valentine
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Posted:Feb 13, 2006 5:29 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2006 8:41 am
974 Views
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I get home, and turn on the TV so I can hear it in the background. Can you believe the show "Cops" is still on?
Same old song and dance... The cops pull up and some lady is standing there in the middle of a trailer park with bruises and black eyes. Her head the size of a melon. Ten of her little devil spawn are all crowded around.
The trailer next door couldn't hear the results of the regional tractor pull finals over the fighting, so they call the police.
She stands there swearing up and down he didn't hit her, and that he's such a good man. "I fell asleep on the driveway, and he ran over my head with the truck". They go arrest the guy who's asleep on the porch with his dog "Skeeter"....
I just don't understand it. Actually I do, but it never ceases to amaze me how women stand up for wife beaters. It's a self esteem issue, etc.
While I'm showing up with flowers, "Joe Bob" is smacking his chick around and still knee deep in this hill billy pussy every night.
So it finally dawns on me... I've been showing up with the wrong dozen! I guess I need to be showing up to my Valentines with a bouquet of tire irons.
Fecesiously yours,
-Khem
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Hell, I would be lucky if I were to get some lotion.
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Posted:Feb 9, 2006 1:24 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2006 8:41 am
1043 Views
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A woman noticed that a man was masturbating in a hospital room with the door wide open.
"Oh my God!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry...but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he'll die within minutes."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's OK," commented the women.
In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.Again the woman "screamed" Oh my God! How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied..."Same Illness, better health plan".
(Mental note, shop around, and read the fine print)
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Yeah, I bent over, and took it. What else could I do?
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Posted:Feb 6, 2006 9:10 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
965 Views
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The company that makes my cigs has been bought out by Phillip Morris. They have decided not to import my cigs anymore. Why? I have no idea. I only smoke cloves. I don't like any other type and will not change.
So now I will have to become a non smoker... not that I despise you people, but fuq can you be annoying, self righteous, slugs. The ones that disturb me the most are the ones that come up to you and pretend cough. *ahem* *ahem* *cough* *ahem*. I always say, hey... that's a bad cough you got there. Hell, I smoke all day and don't have a cough like that. Damn, maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm or something. I think you dad was jacking off, and your Mom sat on it right at the last second. I mean the NERVE. You got up to cripple people dancing to ya Sadists?
I swear I would have stopped smoking a long time ago, if I wasn't scared of becoming one of you.
Now that I have your attention non-smokers, I want to share something with you. Because I love you, and you feel that. I love telling my brothers and sisters things that they don't know, especially when they are true. *******
Drum role please........ pbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpb
Non-smokers die everyday!!!! lol
See I know you entertain this fantasy of immortality, but let me just be the first to pop that bubble and send you hurdling back to earth.
Sleep tight!
-Khem
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The Party. The Life. The Cankle. Did they hear me?
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Posted:Jan 26, 2006 10:29 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1001 Views
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I started gathering my things around 8, or so my Attorney/Dentist tells me as I write this. I remember passing a bottle of Jager that was half empty. As he loaded the video camera, I took several shots. All I needed for the night was my trusty pen, and a radar detector. I knew I would be deep in the muck, and would be prepared. It wasn't going to be optimal conditions for a journalist to work in, but that's why they call me the Dr! I remember looking at the bottle again, and this time it was in my hand. It was totally empty, and I knew this was not acceptable. "Off to the liquor store at once!!", I said screaming to my Attorney/Driver. It's 8:45 and we've got to make it! How can I work under theese conditions, I thought.
We arrived at the Liquor store around 9pm. The lady hovering over the door mumbled something to me, but I was way to intoxicated at this point to understand even the most carnal forms of communication... "Bottle of Jager" I said, yes how did you know? How did she know? I'd never been here before! Was that what she said? I believe it was closing time, but no one in their right mind would who knows of my reputation would deny me. I don't remember buying the liquor, but I do have hazy recollections of me chugging on the bottle in the car. Don't worry my loyal reader, I was not at the wheel. We were responsible peoples. I believe he was snorting something, maybe afrin, at the time we passed a "Don't drink and drive" sign. "Yes!!" I thought to myself... all legal tonight. The cops had nothing on us.
Next thing I remember is hearing loud noises from the house that we were walking to. My Attorney/Camera Man said, "I'm glad we brought the guns and cattle prods, this looks like its gonna get messy". I recognized alot of faces, but some I never knew. The camera was rolling, this much I was certain. Nothing else was quite clear at this point. We entered the main party area... chaos, loud music, and tons of people were all around me. My Attorney/Body Guard had a displeased look on his face. Nevermind I thought, get a grip, smile, and try to blend into this petting zoo. Hope people aren't actually feeding these god damn things. I needed sources for my column, so I begin to interact with these animals.
By 10pm, I had my story, a 1/3 of my bottle of jager left, and a giant moose head strapped to my back. I was dancing around like an Indian praying for rain. My Attorney/Taxidermist was passed out in the corner. Luckily the camera was still rolling, and was pointed in the general direction of the chaos, I definitely needed evidence of this deviance, or no one would believe me. $hit, I didn't believe it myself, and I was there.
There was proof in the camera that I actually saw 12am that new year's eve, but I remember nothing after 11pm. There was twisting and turning in all directions as people talked to me. No sense of balance what so ever. I remember saying something like, "I need to get my raincoat", as I walked down the gravel driveway. One slip and I was instantly face deep in rocks. My body pressed the stop button on my memory. I believe this is what most people would call a white out.
I awoke the next morning half naked with a picture of Barbra Bush in one hand, and a rubber duck in the other. As I took my first step, I fall to the floor. My (C)ankle was the size of a softball. As my Attorney/Nurse walked through the door with some ice and pain killers, he says "Don't forget to return the fog machine....Those Smoke Nazi's will be gunning for us if you don't, I'll get the measuring tape...."
Rewind the tape... play again... wow, what a night.
Reporting new years eve party
(Fun party, got wasted)
-Khem
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Antipathy and insolence in arbitration. Gonzo Report
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Posted:Jan 17, 2006 5:53 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2006 8:41 am
1119 Views
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(continued from "The Pig Did Me In")
My day in the halls of Justice.
Violation: breakneck speeding
Yes, the unwavering rookie did me in. He slapped me with ticket like a nazi . Enraged at the last brown eyed left on his roster. My infuriation and astonishment grew with every passing day, as the day I was to be in court grew near. Obviously a man in with my social standing (or lack their of), would need legal advice and council before this fiasco was over. Otherwise, they'd have me shackled and sent to the nearest penal institution, where my new "roomie" Bubba would desecrate me in every way that I couldn't possibly even imagine.
My attorney/maid was with me. He doesn't speak much english, but with an accent like his... everything just sounds so authoritative. I once observed him commute a nun into a raving psycho that thought she was the main event at an ultimate fighting championship. This was not genius to be taken lightly. This man was the real deal. I knew he had the situation handled, but going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect. I was in the thick of it though. These were tuff times, but I'm made of glue. They had nothing on me. I was a little paranoid so my attorney/Mechanic says, "as your attorney I advise you to take a hit out of the small brown bottle in my shaving kit." Smooth sailing from her on out. I hear a voice saying, "as your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."
I strolled into the money trench they call a court, calm and cool. Long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side of this place, but that's another story.
The teller tells me that I can take defensive driving, and that the ticket will not go on my record if the judge approves. My attorney says nothing. I take this as a sign that we have connected, and somehow we both understand the trickery in her words... she was lying to me. I blurt out... My name is #####, I got a ticket... whats the score here? Yes!! I'd been practicing that line for a week as my attorney/plumber had given me a list of the only phrases I could say. This was for my own protection. Foolproof, masterfully executed. The expression on her face showed how well our plan had worked. She handed me some papers and pointed me to the room I needed to proceed to. My confidence was growing....
We enter the court with grim faces. I could still smell the ### on my attorney/Camera man as we strolled through the doors. Never mind I thought. They didn't catch me with drugs, it was a speeding ticket. I felt like Al Capone brought up on tax evasion. This was just a sham. I knew the game. Little did they know, I had check mate in 5. Queen to b5 I thought. Shhh, my attorney retorts. Oh Jesus, did I say that out loud?! Did they hear me?
The Bailiff motions me to come up to the judicial commode. I glance at my attorney, and with his consent, we roll up to the Judge. Hell, we'd be fools not to ride this strange torpedo to the end. He mutters off something that I didn't understand. It sounded very official though. I noticed instantly that the Judge realized he was not dealing with the ordinary citizen. We came for war, and had brought the bombs. He looks over the papers as if speed reading was in his arsenal of talents. This did not faze us the least. He says some things that were to coherent for me to understand. My attorney/Interior Decorator mumbles. Gibberish I thought. What's going on here!? Before I knew it, we were out of the court house and heading to my car. He had totally dismissed the charges!
We drove away knowing that we had manipulated the system. Content, satisfaction, and harmonious waves flew through me. Fear is just another word for ignorance, and we had neither. We were the ultimate prototypes, never considered for mass production. To weird to live, to rare to die.
(I got probation)
-Khem
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The Pig did me in, The Gonzo report .
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Posted:Jan 9, 2006 2:34 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2006 8:51 am
1069 Views
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It was just after 1pm. My speed.. 80-85, on a clear day with little traffic. My plan was simple.. keep moving, never slow down. Keep the car aimed straight like a tomahawk missile. There is a sense of calm and security in driving a fast car on an empty road. Nothing can touch me as long as I keep moving fast, and never mind the cops! Their all jacking off somewhere, swapping stories poor citizen they arrested the night before.
Either way, they wanted no part of me, or me of them. Only trouble could come of it. Their prolly decent people, but we were not meant for each other. There is plenty of history that supports the notion that I and the police were put on this earth to do completely different things, and should never mingle with each other professionally. Hell, their good people... I've tossed a few back with them... but not today. I was late Damn it!
Their were dangers. I admit this. These 100 ton 50 wheel truckers going 90 that might cut loose and jackknife at any moment, utterly out of control. Not allot of things compare to a jackknifed Mac truck with no brakes coming at you sideways at sixty or seventy miles per hour. There is a total understanding, all at once, of how the captain of the Titanic must have felt when he first saw the Iceberg.
Deep in thought... I see the lights, the sirens, and the man. Jesus! I thought. what bastard would pull me over during lunch time? My boss is watching the clock for my return, like some kind of crazed dad sitting on the sofa with his shotgun waiting for his overly matured to come home after a long date. I've got no time for this! He must be a rookie, a cop that hasn't learned the rules yet. Stay calm. Be polite. Maybe he stopped me for polite conversation. A shudder ran through me, but I gripped the wheel and stared straight ahead, ignoring this unacceptable situation. The Officer strolls on over to my car like Clint Eastwood, but for some reason, I'm just not feeling lucky today.
Ok, no sudden moves.. You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands. I rolled down the window and the infamous words of license and registration please came singing to my ears. I gave him all my papers and he went strolling back to his throne. How long could I maintain? I wondered. My hostility and resentment grew with every minute. He came back and asked, why I was speeding. My calm retort was simple. I'm guilty. I understand that. I knew it was a crime, and I did it anyways. why argue? I'm a criminal. Jesus, what did I just say?!?! Get a grip on yourself man.
He eyeballs me for a few seconds, and starts writing on his little pad. Our vibrations were getting nasty. But why? I was puzzled, frustrated. Did we have a break down in communication? Had we deteriorated to the level of ignorant beasts? Well he might have, but I was on top of things. My wits about me. This cop was looking for anything to pull me out of the car and beat me like a pinata. How would Bill Hicks handle this situation? I'm not gonna take any guff from this swine.
He starts to ramble on about when I need to appear in court and go before the Judge. What? I thought. Judge? That was over the line.
Unacceptable. Jesus, he's gone completely sideways, man. As he strolls away.. prolly getting a hard on from being so tuff, and ridding the community of such filth like me, I feel unsatisfied. Anger. Disbelief. I start my car again, and begin to pull out. Damn!!... no blinker..that's just what he wants me to do... He was looking for any excuse to shoot me at this point. I could sense it. I put on my blinker and pulled into traffic, and finally make it to work.
My boss stares at me as I walk through the office... The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride.
To be continued in court
(Basically, I got a ticket.)
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To link to this blog (rm_Khemeckals) use [blog rm_Khemeckals] in your messages.
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