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My Blog, to share as I wish....Vent, rant, cry, ask questions (I am insatiably curious) or just give ground to the many feelings and emotions I sometimes have. I am brutally honest, upfront, and very expressive. Constructive criticism always welcomed; varying opinions welcome ..Rude, crude judgemental non-necessary comments; will be deleted and banned. This is my escape; please don't dump your crap here...Everyone else is welcome to read, share, or just leave a smile...
For the time being, I am escaping here to write about some unfortunate feelings, emotions, and things I am dealing with.....It is for me....I may throw in something unexpected, like a poem, or some silly rambling...But for now, my escape is for me, and thanks to those that offer a kind word.....
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Avoidance vs. Escape
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Posted:May 14, 2011 6:43 am
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2011 6:24 pm
7166 Views
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Had a very interesting exchange of emails with someone regarding blogging, and the statement I make on my profile that I am mainly on this site FOR blogging. (Not ruling out anything, but not here just to, ummmm......YOU know,......)...
So, long story short; he pretty much said I must live a pathetic life if my source of entertainment is coming here to blog....
My first reaction;  ...... Started to really let loose the fury that this small package can contain....Then, doing the adult thing (damnit), I started analyzing his comment. (Actually, that is a problem I have; analyzing, overanalyzing, and REANALYZING).
My next reaction was;  and a little more
So, a sent him an email and ask him, Hmmmmm......I understand what you are saying....Perhaps you are correct.....So, would it be better if I spent that time say, plopped down in front of the TV?? And, may I ask, just how many hours of tv a day do YOU watch?? How many a week?? What do you do on the weekends??
Guess I hit a nerve, caused that really unleashed some venom....I just tskd tskd, then blocked him.....
Yes, I do spend a lot of time reading; sometimes more than others. And, I only blog when I have something that I just have to "let out"; unfortunately, lately it has been dealing with conflicting emotions I have....(which have resulted from over analyzing, and that logic meets impractical storm I deal with)...
My escape is that; but I guess I need to make sure it doesnt become my place of avoidance.
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13
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DOES ANYBODY READ THE FREAKING PROFILE??
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Posted:May 8, 2011 7:51 am
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2011 6:24 pm
6491 Views
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Ok; my day to SCREAM!!!!! RANT, THROW, KICK and CUSS.....
My profile is as prolific and explicit as one can be. If you DON'T like what you read, DON'T email?? Is that hard??
I've blogged before; but OMG!!!!!! READ THE DAMN PROFILE!!!!
And DON'T dare judge me for being fully honest about everything.
Many ARE NOT!!
My pics are within a year old; my relationship status is dislosed; my health status is there....If these are not for you; GREAT!!!!
But DON'T waste my time with an email when you havent read the profie.
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9
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Storms come in all fashions
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Posted:May 7, 2011 8:36 am
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2011 6:23 pm
6490 Views
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Last week, the South faced some devastating storms. Homes that were there, just simply, are not....The path of the one storm that moves through Alabama into Georgia was like nothing ever seen. It travelled hundreds of miles, and passed a few miles north of my house.
Most of us know the basics of these storms; hot meets cold.
Which make me think of the storms I have had lately....No, not the physical ones, but the emotional, spiritual ones.
All my life I have been a practical, logical person. OCD tendencies; I like things in order, in their place; things that are rational and make sense. (Probably why I loved accounting.)
My storms recently?? A totally illogical, impractical, irrational occurence clashed with my totally and completely logical, "this makes no sense" world. Beliefs, values, and ideas I had built my life on were challenged, then; they simply weren't there. Having my spirit touched, stirred and woken, by someone that was totally illogical and impractical to allow to do so. Having sexual fantasies become reality, while living my very puritanical daily life. And craving more of this. The need that stirred each day clashed with the reality it couldnt and wouldnt happen. (too many real life obstacles). And overriding it all; the practical knowledge that I was being totally impractical and illogical to allow it to happen.
And, every time I think the storm has passed, a wind blows this way again. And I'm just not sure how to protect myself from it. Some days, I want to stand in the face of the storm, and Yell "FUCK OFF"; and other days, I want to run out and embrace it.....
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11
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My Blog; all about me....
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Posted:May 1, 2011 5:31 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2011 4:28 pm
7657 Views
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AS I have said, I blog for me....I write to get my thoughts in order; to remind me where I've been, where I need to go. One blogger made a very ugly comment against blogs that were all "Me, Me, Me".....Hmmmm......May I just say "F**k her!! Sorry; I'm not mean, or crude.....normally......But, I do respect that she has the right to share her opinion, and feel as she does.
So; here is a warning; this blog is ALL ABOUT ME!!!!!
I had a most interesting weekend. I did get to spend a week at my REAL place of escape. Wasn't sure what to expect. Many times, I get very reflective; on life, my current complicated situation, my desire for "more" (love, sex, contentment, etc.). But this time?? It was a very restorative time. I crossed a bridge, turned from an abyss, stood up for my rights, and just allowed the sights, sounds, and smells of MY ESCAPE to wash over me.
Little did I know how much I would need it.....
So; back home. Crazy week, crazier people. But, some very unexpected happenings. One really, really bad; but will hopefully lead to something good. One, very unexpected; but with some potentially fun outcomes. One that I am just having to learn to take in stride....And one?? Well, haven't got a feel on it yet.
Honestly?? I function each day; I get up, dress, take care with my appearance and dress (yes, vanity is there). I go to work; I interact, I perform my job, and help those that need what I do best. I function in my coach's position. I come home, and I shut down. But; it's all like a mask. On the inside, I'm slowly dying. I feel so overwhelmed, and I feel like I am slowly sinking into some darkness...and one day, I just won't have the energy to get up and go. AT times, I feel like I'm making progress, and at others, I feel so totally hopeless....
I've wondered; am I having a hormonal breakdown?? A menopausal meltdown?? Am I bipolar?? My doc says no. My friends say it is my home situation.....
All I know is, I have SOOOO much to give; so much I want to share; so much I want to do, and I feel I am slowly withering, a little each day.....
And, as a disclaimer for the wonderful men and women that have emailed me and become such wonderful friends, I AM OK, kinda!!! LOL....Just having one of those days.....I need to write; to remind, to sort, to understand.
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21
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My Walk
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Posted:Apr 18, 2011 8:54 pm
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2011 6:10 pm
6455 Views
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A crack; small, but noticeable.....I blinked, and it became a crevice.
I slept; and it became a chasm.
I stood at the edge, desperately looking for the other side.
I stood......and gazed......wanting, needing, desiring; just a glimpse.....feeling my spirit slowly fade away.
I slowly turned, resolved to turn.
For it is better to walk away, to crawl away, than to slowly
Fade away.....
But, there is a light, on the distant horizon....one to focus on, as I begin my walk.
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10
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One Day
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Posted:Apr 7, 2011 7:27 pm
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2011 6:13 pm
6321 Views
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I wondered; "where is my limit"; do I have one; what will cross it?.....Now I know.....
I won't do a "Charlie Sheen"; but, yes; my world tilted....The days will be longer, darker, bleaker. Colors will be duller, the sun less brilliant.
But one day; the birds will sing sweeter; the sun will be more brilliant; and a new surge of energy will be felt....
One day......
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12
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But one
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Posted:Mar 27, 2011 10:22 am
Last Updated:Apr 8, 2011 4:14 am
6089 Views
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I am but one.....of many women that have and will come into and out of his life......
He is but one.....that I allowed to touch my heart and mind, and leave his imprint on my spirit.
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3
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Moving Forward
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Posted:Mar 24, 2011 8:11 pm
Last Updated:Apr 7, 2011 5:55 pm
6535 Views
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Yes; my last post or two have been a little "cryptic". Not done intentionally; it is kind of ironic. Or, a huge dichromatic situation; I am on a sex site, but I am a bit of prude!! At least when it comes to sharing some things of a very personal nature!!
As my profile states, and I have stated in other posts, I got a VERY LATE sexual awakening. BUT; better late than never. Unfortunately, while I was NEVER hasty, quick, or careless, I was ignorant and trusting. Hence, my journey took a sudden detour right after it began.
At that point, I had two choices; totally give up, and resign myself to a life of a nun; or be upfront and honest about my situation, and just face life as things came my way. (the thought of not being honest about being HSV positive, or of hiding the fact, was never an option for me.) Oh, how hard it has been to tell someone that I felt that "tug" for that there was an issue. Finally, I just decided "what the f**k (sorry, but that's honest) and I just decided to be right upfront about the HSV. Yes, it has prevented a few meets with some men that I really would have liked to have met. And yes, for those few I have actually met, it has just been so difficult to have intimate times without the thought "what if". So.......My journey took yet another less traveled path.
A highly passionate, intensely curious woman, but seeking others in the same boat. ( The SS HSV+). Wow; the ship's occupancy is quite limited. But;.....I was so fortunate to meet someone that made a portion of the journey so remarkable.
So many of the fantasies, curiosities, ponderings, musings, and questions I had, he was willing to answer. But, he also handled my intense curiosity, my passionate feelings, my constantly changing but highly intense emotions, and my never ending line of questions. Yes; many, many sexual fantasies were experienced; some I had; some I had never thought of, and some I thought I never wanted. (Yes, that prudish side will probably prevent me from posting those...but who knows.)
Most of the blogs the last few weeks have been from trying to figure that situation out; how I felt about it; how and what to do about it. My decision?? Just enjoy..... and be grateful for what was experienced. Enjoy the memories, savor the experience, cry when I feel it, and smile at all the rest. And consider myself most fortunate to have had not one, but two fantastic meals.
Why not more? Distance and time.....the extreme distance, the limited amount of time available to "maintain", and the fact that the ultimate goal of what each needs and desires is just different.
So now?? Bask, savor, cry, seek, ponder, smile, grieve, laugh, and continue to move forward.
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7
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What a Meal
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Posted:Mar 20, 2011 5:40 pm
Last Updated:Apr 2, 2011 6:27 pm
6061 Views
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And what a meal it was!!
Spent a week enjoying a delightful smorgasboard of entrees I had been curious about, and a few I had never had a desire for; but never had the opportunity to actually sample any.
All I can say is it was a meal well worth the effort; and well worth all the last few weeks of "figuring it out" through the blogs.
Probably a meal that will not be repeated, but left some indelible memories. And, like most great memories, leaves you a little sad, with a wistful smile. But OHHHHH, the great big smiles wrapped around it!!
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2
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After the Meal
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Posted:Mar 11, 2011 7:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 27, 2011 7:47 am
6347 Views
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I've written about second helpings and addictions. Guess I am going to try a second helping of something I find myself quite addicted to.....
Ever met someone that just soooo stimulated your mind, intellect, emotions, libidio; while challenging you on many of the "basics" you held about relationships, love, even sex??
I did. Quite an interesting sitution. The distance is so great, nothing more than a "fun fling" could ever come of it. And, being someone that gives 110%, loves touch, enjoys the company of someone that I ever become intimate with, a long distance thing just doesn't work.
But; just have to have one more serving. For some reason, I see this as the "next step" for me. Next step for what; I have no ideal. Not a next step in this situation; but a "next step" for me to be able to move forward, into whatever.
So, with anticipation, anxiousness, curiousity, and resolve, I am off for a second helping.
Will be interesting to see how I feel after the meal....
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6
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A Bad Thing
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Posted:Feb 25, 2011 3:50 pm
Last Updated:Mar 27, 2011 7:48 am
6578 Views
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I told someone recently that I GUESS, if something you experienced gave you knowledge, insight, experience; then it couldn't be all bad; even if it on occasion gave you a kick-in-the-gut, why the HELL am I doing this feeling??
I have met so many wonderful bloggers here; so many that share their hearts, their feelings, their emotions, their psychosis (love ya Tony!!)....And how I envy those that can write so eloquently....and I respect those that write so honestly.
So, in that vein......Yes, the recent postings I have had have all come from one "relationship". Why do I put that in parenthesis?? Wow.....It's not, or wasn't, a relationship in the traditional sense. I could go on and on, but it was a very unique situation; and that is what I called it, or will think of it.
But; it allowed to me learn; to experience; to grow....but not without some growing pains.
So, now that the "high energy bubble" has burst, I am left looking at it in a more sane manner. And, when I think of it, I smile, and cry, at the same time. And I can remember all the good, and the hurt, and the challenge, and the fun, and the confusion.....and so much more.
When it's all said and done; I may be a little sadder, a little wiser, a little more experienced, a little more fulfilled. I'll always miss the "new"; the passion, the energy. But I can never regret the experience; the new doors that were opened, the curiousities that were met; and the absolutely wonderful friends that were made.
All in all, a very good experience....even though it still makes me cry. Why?? Because it has set a standard. And; it revealed some very new information about me, to me. So, how can that be a bad thing??
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9
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Devastated
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Posted:Feb 19, 2011 11:12 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2011 3:35 am
6336 Views
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Ok....Today I am feeling that smart ass, slightly off the wall woman I can sometimes be....The woman that enjoys the humour of a show like Two and A Half Men.....(get BETTER Charlie, for your sake before ours)....
So, with that disclaimer, and PLEASE!! Read this tongue in cheek....(ok...even the fact I may offend someone with this post goes to show my nature.) Given some of the happenings and post that have inundated blog land lately, I just saw the humour in this thought.
Ok....enough BS....
My Post
OMG!!! I'VE LOST THREE WATCHERS!! I'm devastated....My life is ending...Should I scream?? Rant?? Rave?? Set conditions for viewing my blog?? Start a campaign for more?? OHHHH ME!! WHAT am I going to do?? Dang.....Guess I better go find my oreo cookies......
If you can't laugh with me, feel free to laugh at me!!
On a serious note, hope those that are gone (profiles not here anymore) are merely taking a break...
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6
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Hugs AND Kisses
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Posted:Feb 11, 2011 5:07 pm
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2011 10:37 pm
6307 Views
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In the past few weeks, I have just posted what I have felt; working through some of the junk....And, in doing so, I have met some of the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful people ever...I've had people send me emails of the most encouraging kind; people express the care, concern and sympathy over my ponderings.... And people share how they too, have faced, or will face, some of the same things....As I said, if ONE can feel better, or gain understanding, then what I share is sooooo Ok.....As they say, one (wo)man's garbage is another woman's (or man's) treasure...
 and  to so many wonderful bloggers.....
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3
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To link to this blog (rm_factorye) use [blog rm_factorye] in your messages.
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