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My Blog, to share as I wish....Vent, rant, cry, ask questions (I am insatiably curious) or just give ground to the many feelings and emotions I sometimes have. I am brutally honest, upfront, and very expressive. Constructive criticism always welcomed; varying opinions welcome ..Rude, crude judgemental non-necessary comments; will be deleted and banned. This is my escape; please don't dump your crap here...Everyone else is welcome to read, share, or just leave a smile...
For the time being, I am escaping here to write about some unfortunate feelings, emotions, and things I am dealing with.....It is for me....I may throw in something unexpected, like a poem, or some silly rambling...But for now, my escape is for me, and thanks to those that offer a kind word.....
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Junk in the Closet
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Posted:Feb 10, 2011 2:28 pm
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2011 4:10 pm
5957 Views
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Well, I originally thought I would blog about my experiences since I have discovered I have HSV....Yea, somebody might as well....
Seems I have too much other junk in the closet to deal with before I do that....Most of my blogs have been rants, or questions, or ponderings I have had for myself....But, as I said, if something I share can help one person, then I guess that is worth it.
How I envy those that can write such beautifully erotic poetry; and those that can turn any story into a side splitting event that just makes your day... But, for me, I am a "seeker"; I question, I ask, I ponder. I take things apart to get at the core....some can handle that intensity, some cannot....
Today, I have a few things on my mind that I am trying to sort through...I wanted to blog about long distance relationships, and how those work, if they work, who has experienced one.....I wanted to blog about new relationship energy....and how that can be sustained, and what happens when it slowly evaporates....I wanted to ask have you ever envied someone something, then discovered that you actually feel quite sorry for them; the very source of their pleasure is also the source of intense pain...
Lots going through my mind.....and lots to sort out....
Hence the reason I said, "only here to blog....don't want to meet until I get my personal issues straightened out."......Only to receive more emails since posting that than in the last few months....Maybe it is the snow; maybe it is spring just around the corner.....maybe, as I asked my doctor, I am having a hormonal meltdown....
"This too, shall pass."
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4
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Bullseye
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Posted:Feb 8, 2011 3:35 pm
Last Updated:Feb 14, 2011 3:57 am
5971 Views
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Ok; this is a rant....
But, I have to ask; does anyone see a red bulls eye anywhere on my pic??
I mean, it seems like I have suddenly become the "target" for every "hey, let's fuck" email I could get!! And that comes after saying, "I'm really just here to blog".
So, is that some sort of morse code for "go and get her"? Did I post some sort of primal challenge?? Is is the "hard to get makes me want to prove my manhood"?? (sorry to all the really, neat, cool, gentlemen I have met....sexy, seductive, smart, intelligent gentlemen...)
And, it addition, READ THE ENTIRE PROFILE....Don't send me an email "wanta fuck?? I'm DD free".... CAuse I so want to respond and say "YEA, Let's fuck....and I'm NOT!!)
Ok....feeling better....some.....
Will post the blog I had on my mind later.....
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Wishes
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Posted:Feb 6, 2011 11:37 am
Last Updated:Feb 7, 2011 4:50 pm
5882 Views
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Wishes......ever had any??
DUUUHHHHH!!!!!! Who has not??
There are all kinds of wishes; good ones, bad ones, just plain ones. Not talking about fantasies; sometimes those can be the same as a wish....or totally different....
I wish for many things; my to make better decisions, to win the lottery, to meet Westley.....I wish for bigger boobs, smaller thighs, and a firmer a&&....
Today?? I wish today I wasn't so forgiving.....Don't get me wrong; I can get hurt, and remember it like an elephant....But, I just cannot go for long holding onto a "mad"....Dissapoint me, hurt me, cause me any discomfort, and sooner or later I am gonna have to discuss it....And, give me a reason why you did what you did, and I am usually gonna get over the mad.....but the hurt takes a lot longer.....But, make an effort, and I will do everything possible to restore any hurt I caused....
So today, I am kinda wishing I could just be a total a&&...Tick me off, and I don't give a damn whether you are mad, hurt, disappointed, whatever....I wish I could be more like that. Don't get me wrong; I have a limit....Cross it, and you will know....Whether it be a verbal lashing, or I just blow the bridge up.....That's the only two modes I have....Keep every bridge well maintained, even if not used often.....or blow the damn pilings out of the water.....and erase every sign of where it stood.... But Im just not the type that can put up a "bridge temporarily closed" sign....
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4
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Who Deserves Me??
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Posted:Feb 5, 2011 1:34 pm
Last Updated:Feb 6, 2011 1:50 pm
6113 Views
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I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe
Marilyn may have said it, but it is SOOOOOOO true for me.....
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3
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Numb
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Posted:Feb 5, 2011 9:15 am
Last Updated:Feb 8, 2011 6:21 pm
5775 Views
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Ever had something happen that just left you numb??
Numb - deprived of physical sensation. incapable of action or of feeling emotions.
Take a really cold bite of something, and you get "brain freeze"; sometimes resulting in your mouth feeling numb for a few minutes.
Sit cramped in one position too long, and a particular part of your body may go numb; no physical sensation.
We all know about the numbing stuff the dentist gives.....Oh, the worst; when you can sometimes chew the inside of your gum to pieces and not even know it!!
Being faced with a sudden loss in your life; you are left numb for a period of time.....unable to reason, or think, or deal with the emotions.
At various times in my life, for whatever reasons, I have gone into those "numb" modes....All sense of emotion is gone. I function, work, eat, and do, just like normal. I watch TV, listen to music, read....I interact with others.....No, it's not depression, it is, as one person said, emotional withdrawal...It has usually come as the result of overload; too much to deal with....I did this when my marriage ended; I did this twice as a , in response to two very traumatic things happening (no, not directly to me, but they affected my life greatly). I had absolutely no emotions whatsoever......NOTHING effected my emotionally. It was, at best, a zombie like state....No, not the same as depression. I got up each day, functioned like normal, just void of all emotions.
Does that sound bad?? Not really...There is something worse....There is the thing that happens when you WISH you could be void of all emotions; you don't want to cry....to hope.....to hurt.....You just wish you could turn the little switch, for just a little bit, and "numb" yourself up for a while....
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4
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Amazed
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Posted:Jan 31, 2011 5:43 pm
Last Updated:Feb 6, 2011 6:21 pm
5674 Views
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Sometimes, I am totally and completely amazed by the depths of my stupidity, the heights of my foolishness, and the unlimited boundaries of my hope........which leads to more valleys, and more mountains....
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One Thing
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Posted:Jan 30, 2011 8:40 am
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2011 8:20 pm
6186 Views
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If you could ask for one thing from a person, what would it be??
To love you?? cherish you?? Adore you?? lavish you with expensive things?? Communicate more??
We all have our ideals of what the "perfect" person would be like....Tall, thin, curvy, voluptuous, fit, wealthy, spiritual, etc to infinity.....
But what would be the one thing you would want??
I no longer care for "love".....Yes, it would be nice, if genuine...and that is another post...
My desire?? to be cherished, to be lavished with adoration, while being controlling of my strong will....
But today?? I think, I wish to be valued.....
Value me as a person....value my emotions, my time, my energy....You dont have to agree with me, or accept my beliefs, or even the way I do things....But value me....and I will do the same for you....
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8
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A day in the life of a Dog
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Posted:Jan 30, 2011 6:05 am
Last Updated:Feb 10, 2011 2:16 pm
6129 Views
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Ohhhh!!! Here comes my master!! I'm so glad to see him.....
(follows master in....takes his place under table)
YUMM>....what a nice, juicy morsel he gave me.....ohhhh, and another one......UMMMMMMM>...what a wonderful meal.....
Day two
OHHHH!!!!! I hope I get fed like yesterday.......
(again, follows master in, takes place under table..)
YUMMMM>....yes, another juicy morsel......and another....OHHHHH JOY!!!!!!.....how I live for these intimate times......Hello?? I'm waiting.....Hmmm....let me just nuzzle against his leg....Master?? Did you feel that?? Just in case, here's another one.....Hello?? Did I do something wrong?? Did I nuzzle too hard? Perhaps I didn't respond correctly?? Are you there?? Just give me one little bite.........(nothing)
four days follow
Ohhh....Here's master.....How my heart excites at seeing him, but my stomach clenches; knowing he can cause such pain.
(follows him in obediently....takes place under the table, begrudgingly)
Hmmmm...nice pat on the head.....Is that supposed to make me feel better?? will you walk away while I lay here and wait?? Ohhhhh......Yumm.....That was a nice morsel, and promise of more to come!! Yes, I know your a busy master.....yes, you have other pets....and still, I come...and wait....and lovingly nuzzle your leg, and wait....for any morsel you give.....
I think I'll go and give my dogs some extra TLC today.....
OK.....I guess I am a notorious smart ass.....Yes, this was written "tongue in cheek".....Actually, my dogs are treated much better than some people treat other people.....Just thought it made a nice comparison, without actually whining and bitching about it!!
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4
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Things least expected
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Posted:Jan 29, 2011 1:01 pm
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2011 6:17 am
5473 Views
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I suppose I should make this two blogs; but laziness prevents that. And yes, this is an adult sex site....So, if that is what you want, this blog has none of that. This is my escape, for the day.
Actually, I have had one more interesting week; and my mind is swirling from all the emotional upheaval, the strange twist of events, the humbling experiences, and the doors that have been opened, or at least cracked.
So......What a week.....I had some things occur that left me questioning lots of things about myself...On a day when I was having a particularly hard struggle, a shared the following poem with me. She had written it by herself, about herself. Let me just add, she is a special needs , whose IQ(according to tests) is not high enough for her to know to come in out of the rain....Be that as it may, she certainly knows much more than some adults I know, including me.
This poem describes me, because I am all these things.
cute I'm cute because I'm adorable.
ready to learn I'm ready to learn because I love to read
and write.
eager I'm eager because I'm enthusiastic.
ambitious I'm ambitious because I want to start my
career early.
tall I'm tall because I stand up for what is
right.
imaginative I'm imaginative because I am creative.
valiant I'm valiant because I am brave.
exotic I'm exotic because I am unusual.
Yes, this left me looking at myself in different terms.
So, unusual event number two.
I am (legally) married...although we have not been married in spirit for years. If you have a problem with that, get the heck out of my escape!! We have not shared a bed in over 9 years now....Finances, , convenience were some of why we stayed together...it worked, now it doesn't, and we need to move on.
Steps were taken, then backtracking occured. My ex has been in total and complete denial....living some fantasy he has created....It is really quite sad....and I didn't know how to get through to him. Don't you think not sharing a bed, leaving for a week or two at a time, going on overnight trips, all these would be clues??
Today, a ghost from the past shows up.....telling us his story for the last few years.....He just finished describing our life, UP TO THE POINT HOW HE LIVED IN DENIAL, LIVING A FANTASY!!!!!
In other words, HELLO!!!!!!
Where will this lead?? Don't know....Will my ex get the picture, realize the time has come, and we need to end this?? Hopefully, as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Will be interesting to see how he receives this.
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1
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Second Helpings
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Posted:Jan 16, 2011 12:09 pm
Last Updated:Jan 29, 2011 1:03 pm
5504 Views
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Ever had something that you knew wasn't good for you, but you sooooo wanted that second helping??
I guess that could also be called a weakness...
For me, it comes in a few ways....My second glass of wine....Is that bad for me?? Well, it isn't necessary, adds no benefits, and usually gives me a raging headache....But sometimes, the first glass just tasted soooo good.....and made me want the second helping.
Occasionally, it may be the second helping of a really good meal...Do I need it?? No....Is it beneficial?? No.....I just want to extend the enjoyment. And I go for the second helping....
Why do we usually crave second helpings of the things that aren't so good for us....
Maybe today, I'll crave that second helping of exercise, since I have indulged myself greatly over the last several days I have been snowboud....
But I seriuosly doubt it....
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5
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Trust
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Posted:Jan 13, 2011 8:02 am
Last Updated:Aug 10, 2011 6:10 pm
5437 Views
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I talked about addictions before....
Now, in My Escape, I am thinking about trust.
How important is it; how do you establish it; what do you do when it is violated. How do you know when you have crossed the line between being reasonable (or being so damn pathetically gullible that you allow the BS again), or giving someone a genuine second chance.
Yes, I am faced with a quandary. And it is all based on trust. My heart says one thing, my mind says another. I have sought advice from some very experienced, wise people....But bottom line; I have to make the decision.....trust; or walk away...
Just curious as to how others have dealt with this....
As a sidebar; my change to my profile came through trusting, and being ignorant....When I get the courage, that will be my blog....Experiences and feelings I have encountered after being faced with a huge change in my life.....yes, the HSV....
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4
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Addictions
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Posted:Jan 10, 2011 9:43 am
Last Updated:Aug 10, 2011 6:11 pm
5525 Views
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Addictions......the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something to the extent thats its cessations causes severe trauma....the act of giving over, or surrender....
Know anyone with an addiction?? Ever had one yourself??
Addictions come in many shapes, forms and size.....Alcohol, caffeine, drugs, sex, gambling, porn, lying, chocolate, and even blogging, and the list goes on and on.....ANYTHING can become addictive.....One mans (Or womans) ectasy (not the drug) is another man's addiction..
For me?? I think my addiction comes in the form of relationships....Unhealthy, psychologocically habit forming, relationships.... I've had a few....
A friendship, that was most definately addictive. I desired her company, I yearned to hear her voice each day. I looked forward to every activity we engaged upon....NO!! This was absolutely NOT sexual, nor was that ideal even there.....It was just an addictive friendship, one that caused extreme duress when it ended...
Another relationship; the first encounter I had after my marriage "died"....And, for the record, my marriage was "till death do us part, bound in the eyes of God, till the end of our natural days and into eternity beyond".....yep, one of those....And yet, here I am.....
Back to the story; my relationship came with a man that took me from a zombie like stage; numb with the loss, and overwhelmed by the lonliness....Need, an addictions first opening....Sense of loss; the door opens wide....Curiousity......and one foot is in the door.....A taste of "so much more"; and your addicted.... What started out as a breath of fresh air, vital and life giving, became a blast of hell fire; and sucked the very life from me every day.....But I couldnt walk away.....I craved this relationship, needed to hear his voice, desired to have his company, lied to find time with him, alienated friends, and saught every opportunity to be with him, or to just hear his voice; HELL, just to get a text from him.....This continued for THREE years; never able to get enough, taking what I could get.....totally addicted to a very toxic relationship....
THANK HEAVENS, something broke through......just like my epiphany about my marriage, I had an epiphany about this relationship.....Some epiphanies come with crystal clear visions; mine came with a crystal clear voice "GIRL, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??...Just HOW BIG of a fool are you??" And that was it.......Ohhhh, the addiction didn't end that easily.....I suffered, emotionally, physically, and yes, psychologically.....And, I allowed the detrimental effects to carryover into my everyday life....Worse than that, the psychological effects carried over into my newfound sexual awakening.....It took over a year to detoxify my system.....yet, the psychological effects remained.....
Another relationship; not as toxic, but just as addictive.....At least this one had some GOOD benefits; he managed to erase some of the psychological effects of the bad (things that left me convinced that I could in no way, shape, form or fassion please a man sexually).....Oh, how easy it was to tell him to FUCK OFF when he contacted me after that; but not without telling him just exactly WHAT he was missing!! Only took a few months to detox after that....
And now?? Wow....What in interesting place I find myself in.....Something that has peaked my curiousity; opened doors for me that would otherwise never be opened; given me an outlet and a safeplace for my profound sexual curiousity.....But; I feel the old haunting feelings creeping in....Can I handle this?? Can I control the need, rather than having the need control me?? If I take the plunge, what will the costs be??
Yes, I have a taste....and how wonderful it has been....And how much more I crave......There are some circumstances that will automatically put some limits in place.....But will they be enough??
Now, to decide.........
Anyone else struggle with an addiction?? Or need to face one....
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7
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To link to this blog (rm_factorye) use [blog rm_factorye] in your messages.
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