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pick up line 6/12/2007
good pickup line for gay men in a bar can push that stool in
for you?
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score |
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Buckwheat and Darla 6/12/2007
Buckwheat and Darla where in school and the teacher asks
Darla "How do you spell dumb? Darla says "D-u-m-b,
dumb" The teacher says "Very good now use it
in a sentence" She says buckwheat is dumb The teacher
says "Now spell stupid" Darla says "S-t-u-p-i-d,
stupid" The teacher says "Very good now ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score |
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elephant 6/12/2007
What did the elephant to the naked man??? How can you breath
through THAT...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
0 Votes
|
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Got Milk? 6/12/2007
Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help
but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was
so she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful
Well once a week i fill the bathtub with milk and just bathe
and soak in it so the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the
farmer i'd like a whole lot of milk" How ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
0 Votes
|
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The chicken or the egg 6/12/2007
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg
is frowning and looking a bit pissed off The egg mutters
to no-one in particular "Well i guess we answered
THAT question!
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
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One liners 6/12/2007
Whats the difference between light and hard you can sleep
with the light on but you can't sleep with a hard on whats
the difference between a vitamin and a hormone you can't
hear a vitamin whats the difference between a and
a kitkat you can only get four fingers in a ...
1 Comments, 31 Views,
4 Votes
,0.92 Score |
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Little girl in a barber shop 6/12/2007
A little girl walked into a barber shop with her dad was in
the chair getting his hair cut she was standing beside the
chair watching and eating a cookie the barber looked over
at her and said little girl you're going to get hair
on your cookie The little girl said i know and i'm gonna
get tits too
1 Comments, 57 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score |
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3 dogs at the vet!!! 6/12/2007
Three dogs sat in the vets for surgery 1.A Lasa Apso (ugly
little things) 2.A Great dane 3.A Labradour The lab turns
to the lasa and asks why are you looking so sad The lasa turns
and answers my owner has a McClaren F1 and i love going out
with him in his car and going fast we went out ...
0 Comments, 51 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
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Adult Games Part one 6/12/2007
Game Adults Play Part one
When three four couples get together at someone's
place to have some fun in the weekends, routine sex and swapping
becomes somewhat monotonous. You become used to the body
and a sexual preference of other person's wife or husband
and just having sex with someone other's wife or husband
looses its charm. So introducing some novelty is must.
Therefore you can ...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
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That's not what i call them! 6/11/2007
A friend of mine said that television censors are called
bleeping toms!
0 Comments, 29 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score |
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joke 6/11/2007
whats the last thing that goes through a flys mind when it
hits your windscreen? its asshole
0 Comments, 24 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
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DNA 6/11/2007
what does DNA really stand for? National Dyslexic Association
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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Whisky 6/11/2007
woman walks into a bar and ask the bartender for 5 whiskies
the bartender asks why so many? woman replies i've
just given head for the first time (blowjob) bartender
reples congratulations have the sixth one on the house
woman replies no thanks if five won't kill the taste
i don't think the extra one will either (tip for male
readers- if you leave of the beer and eat fresh fruit in week
or so ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
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Sperm Donor 6/11/2007
a man and a woman were waiting at the hospital center
man: "what are you doing here today? woman:"oh
i'm here to donate some blood they're going to
give me $5 for it" man: "Hmm thats interesting
i'm here to donate sperm myself but they pay me $25"
the woman looked thoughtful for a moment and the chatted
some more before going their separate ways ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score |
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IS HELL HOT? 6/11/2007
>The following is supposedly an actual question given
on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the ...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score |
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Magic apples 6/11/2007
a young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag What's
in the bag? the youngster asks magic apples the old man replied
prove it said the young man well besides apples what is your
favorite two fruits? asked the old man watermelon and peaches
he answered the man handed him an apple and ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
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Death bed 6/11/2007
a man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family a weeping
wife and four Three of the are tall good
looking and athletic but the fourth and the youngest is
an ugly runt Darling wife the husband whispers assure me
that the youngest really is mine i want to know the
truth before i die i will forgive you if The wife ...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
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The answer to the question 6/11/2007
if peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers how many
pickled peppers did he pick? The answer is peter piper couldn't
pick a peck of pickled peppers because pickled peppers
aren't pickled when there picked
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Red Hat Tips? 6/11/2007
Three Misses from the red hat society go to see a male stripper
he comes over ans dances for them the first lady takes out
a 10 licks it and sticks it to his butt the second lady looks
around takes out a 20 and licks it then sticks it on his butt
the third woman thinks a minute..... takes out her credit
card swipes it through his crack she takes the $30 and goes
to the bar
0 Comments, 28 Views,
0 Votes
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Breakfast 6/11/2007
she was in the kitchen preparing boiled eggs for breakfast
Her husband walks in and asks, "whats for breakfast?"
she turns to him and anxiously says "Quick! you've
got to make love to me this very moment! thinking it's
his lucky day he bends her over the kitchen table and they
have sex when ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
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Similar 6/11/2007
Q: how are parsley & pussy hair similar? A: they both
get pushed aside to eat
0 Comments, 23 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
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Who would get to new york first? 6/11/2007
if 2 homosexual guys were planning to go from San Francisco
to New york at the same time 2 Lesbians were going to New York
from San Francisco who would arrive first Answer: the guys
would be packing their shit while the Lesbians were going
lickedy split
0 Comments, 39 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score |
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Sophie & Ernie 6/10/2007
"sophie your tits are too small and hard and your pussy
is too tight Ernie you dumb shit get off my back"
0 Comments, 59 Views,
2 Votes
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the other elderly couple! 6/10/2007
an elderly couple went to the doctor and asked the doctor
to give her a prescription for viagra for her husband their
sex life has slowed down with their age she told the doctor
that her husband didn't like taking pills so the doctor
suggested that she put it in his coffee and he wouldn't
know the difference the doctor wrote the prescription
and told her to come back in a week and let him how it ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
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the Rooster& the cat 6/10/2007
A cockerel(male chicken)and a cat was walking in the forest
they came to a river and wanted to cross over but there was
no bridge thinking quickly the rooster flap its wings and
flew across to the other side once there it was very happy
with itself and crowed aloud the cat decide to jump across
the river but didn't make it and landed in the water
instead it climbed up from the other side ...
0 Comments, 41 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score |
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Bedroom Golf 6/9/2007
--------------------------------------------- Bedroom Golf
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before
may begin.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score |
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How Should I Know? 6/9/2007
A married couple was asleep when the telephone
rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up
the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should
I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung
up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said,
"I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if
the coast is clear.'" ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score |
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Math Lesson 6/9/2007
A professor of mathematics sent a fax
to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years
old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able
to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn
that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
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Definition 6/9/2007
Tact the ability to tell someone to "Go to Hell"
and male them feel happy to be on their way....
0 Comments, 22 Views,
3 Votes
|
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advantage's over beer and pussy 6/8/2007
if you try a different brand of beer your old brand will gradly
have you back advanange-beer a beer is always wet a pussy
needs you to encourage it first advantage beer a beer taste
horrible served warm a pussy taste better served hot advantage-hot
pussy if you get a hair in your touth from eating pussy you
are not disgusted advantage hairy ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
4 Votes
|
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Cybersex 6/8/2007
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately
known as "cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll
see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following
transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite
get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score |
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shot her mouth off 6/7/2007
the rookie cop was telling his partner about the fun he had
at a party the night before i had just shown up when this terrific
chick took me by the hand and led me to her car the young cop
said excitedly once in her car she unzipped me and pulled
my dong out she srarted sucking on it and giving me a blow
job and i had never even asked her name so what did you do?
the older cop asked "at that ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
4 Votes
,0.14 Score |
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hook line and sinker! 6/7/2007
"honey "the wife said sweetly to her husband
at the breakfast table do you remember the bass you spent
a weekend fishing for a couple of months ago? "yeah
of course " muttered the husband putting down his
newspaper one of them called to tell you you're going
to be a father!
0 Comments, 70 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score |
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always listen carefully 6/7/2007
"hey jerk-off "complained the young woman
to her boyfriend "you promised to take me to florida!
"i never promised you any such thing "insisted
her man friend "all i said was i am going to tamper with
you!
0 Comments, 44 Views,
4 Votes
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Harley davidson meets God 6/7/2007
Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want
in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I
want to hang out with God."
God recognized ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
0 Votes
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another really bad joke! 6/7/2007
a set of jumper cables walked into a bar i'll served
you said the bartender "but you better nit start anything!
0 Comments, 26 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score |
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Blonde Joke 6/7/2007
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered
their drinks from the bartender.
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: ...
0 Comments, 51 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score |
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poor ed 6/7/2007
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his
wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift
box wrapped in the middle of ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
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car 6/7/2007
an irishman walks out of a pub stumbling back and forth with
a key in his hand a cop on the beat sees him and approaches
him "can i help you lad? "yesss, sssshombody
stole my car! the irishman replies the cop asks "well
now where was your car the last time you saw it? "it
was at the end of my key" about this time the cop looks
down to see that the irishnan's member is being exhibited
for ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score |
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hardware store 6/6/2007
a couple just got a new house the husband turned to his wife
and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge
for him she kindly agreed and left when she got to the hardware
store got the hinge and put it on the counter in front of the
clerk ho noticed that she didn't have any screws for
that hinge? she looked back at him and said "No but
i'll blow you for that toaster in the window"
2 Comments, 97 Views,
9 Votes
|
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ex wife 6/6/2007
a man and his wife are dinning at a plush restaurant and the
husband kept staring at a drunken old lady swigging her
gin she was sitting all alone his wife asked "do you
know her? "yes answered the husband "she's
my ex wife she srarted drinking after we divorced 7 years
ago she hasn't been sober since" oh my god! says
the wife "thats along time to celebrate!
0 Comments, 66 Views,
6 Votes
,1.66 Score |
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blow-up-doll 6/6/2007
a man walks into a porn shop and asks for a blow-up-doll the
clerk says "would you like a muslim or american blow-up-doll?
he replies "whats the difference?" the clerk
simply says "the muslim on blows herself up"
0 Comments, 70 Views,
6 Votes
,1.94 Score |
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bear on the roof 6/6/2007
a man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof so he looks
in the yellow pages and sure enough theres an ad for "Bear
Removers" he calls the number the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes the bear remover arrives
and gets out of his van he's got a ladder a baseball bat
a shotgun and a mean old pit bull dog "what are you going
to do the home owner asks? i'm going to put this ...
1 Comments, 58 Views,
9 Votes
,2.57 Score |
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A time piece with a difference 6/6/2007
One day, back in the olden days, a cowboy was crossing the
desert to do some trading and came upon an Indian. The Indian
was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight
up in the air. The cowboy asked the Indian what he was doing. The Indian replied, "Me tell-um time." This
made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.
A few days later, after completing his ...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score |
|
Extra Large Condoms 6/6/2007
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if
he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around
here until someone does?
2 Comments, 80 Views,
7 Votes
,1.51 Score |
|
Sign Language 6/6/2007
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage,
they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom
when they turn the lights off because they can't see
each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings,
the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey, "
she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple
signals? For instance, at night, if ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score |
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An Accidental Encounter 6/6/2007
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room ...
0 Comments, 41 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
Take Careful Aim 6/6/2007
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his
rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show
him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This
scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that
hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score |
|
Desparate Measures 6/6/2007
A couple were having financial problems until finally
they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to
his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money
through to get by. So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the
job and in the evening he picked her up again. "So, how much have you earned today?" the husband
asked. "Well", the woman responded, "I've
made one ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
3 Votes
,0.49 Score |
|
At The Counsellor's Office 6/6/2007
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My husband suffers from premature
ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is
that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's
her that suffers not me."
0 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
|
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Mailmans last day 6/6/2007
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted
by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
cigars. The folks at the third house handed ...
3 Comments, 83 Views,
11 Votes
,3.73 Score |
|
There was a guy riding through the desert 6/6/2007
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He
had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have
sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man
turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but
the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and
got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling
the urge to have sex ...
1 Comments, 46 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score |
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The Romantic Husband 6/6/2007
Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast. She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg. She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops. She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found ...
1 Comments, 159 Views,
11 Votes
,3.92 Score |
|
road 6/6/2007
why did bubba cross the road? his dick was stuck in the chicken
0 Comments, 18 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score |
|
a lady to smart to fall for the old routine! 6/6/2007
the pickup truck coasted to a stop by the edge of the road
"we're out of gas "said the young man smiling
wickedly "yeah i thought you just might be "the
girl replied pulling a flask from her purse "yeah
baby the young man exclaimed ehat have you got? vodka? gin?
whiskey? the girl smiled wide "89 octane unleaded"
0 Comments, 29 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
|
Angry Sex 6/6/2007
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having
severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked
her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear
picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's
face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did he look?" "Very angry." At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score |
|
Irishman & the Blonde 6/6/2007
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island
for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought
to himself, "It's certainly too small to be a
ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small
boat and even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black
clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score |
|
POEM! 6/6/2007
A man making the Bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when
he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused
to serve him and told him he should go home.
Man: My wife will kill me.
Bartender: Take her some candy.
Man: She is on a diet.
Bartender: Take her some flowers.
Man: She has allergies.
Bartender: Tell her a poem.
Man: She ...
0 Comments, 51 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score |
|
fairytales 6/6/2007
what is the difference between a northern fairytale and
a southern fairytale? a northern fairlytale begins with
"once upon a time" and a southern fairytale
begins with".. "Y'all ain't gonna
believe this shit"
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
salt lick 6/6/2007
a rancher has a bull that won't breed cows in the heard
his vet gives him a medicated salt lick for the bull to try
the first time the bull licks the block of salt the bull immediatly
fucks every cow in the pasture while continuing to use the
salt lick the bull jumps the fences crosses into other ranches
and fucks everything he can mount amazed a neighbor asks
the rancher what is in the salt ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
scream twice 6/6/2007
how do you make woman scream twice? fuck her in the ass and
wipe your dick on curtains
0 Comments, 34 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
fuck or swim 6/6/2007
bill was sitting in a bar when john came in with a big smile
on his face bill asked what was going on and john replied
well you know that new boat i got? bill yeah john well i was
out cleaning it and this beautiful blonde walked by and
told me that was the nicest boat she had ever seen so i asked
her if she wanted to go for a ride sure she says so we went out
to the lake and when we got to the ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
|
two wrongs 6/5/2007
two wrongs don't make a right but two wrights make any
aeroplane
0 Comments, 23 Views,
0 Votes
|
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rolling the dice 6/5/2007
two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table a
very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollors ($20, 000)on a single roll of the dice she said
i hope you don't mind but i feel much lukier when i'm
completely nude with that she stripped from the neck down
rolled the dice and yelled come on baby mama needs new clothes!
as the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
lol 6/5/2007
what about the irish magician he couldnt pull a rabbit out of a hat so he pulled hare out of his ass lol
0 Comments, 15 Views,
1 Votes
|
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rid of it 6/4/2007
one morning while making breakfast a man walks uo to his
wife and pinches her on her but and says "you know if
you firmed this up we could we could get rid of your girdle
while this was on the edge of intolerable she thought to
herself better and replied with silence the next morning
the man woke his wife with a pinch ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
a test for dementure 6/4/2007
A TEST FOR DEMENTURE below are 2 questions you have to answer
them instantly you can't take your time answer all
of them immediately OK? let's find out how clever you
are..... ready? GO!!! (scroll down) first question you
are participating ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
1 Votes
|
|
sick chinese man 6/4/2007
chinese man rings his boss.... me no work i sick boss syas
when im sick i fuck my wife try it? 2 hours later chinese man
rings back m e better, u got nice house!!
0 Comments, 53 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
tatoo 6/4/2007
man walks into a tatoo parlor and says he wants $100 bill
tatooed on his dick why ask the tatooer i like to play with
my money i like to watch my money grow best of all if my wife
wants to a $100 she can stay home and do it
0 Comments, 46 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
6/4/2007
A florida couple both certified rednecks had nine ....
they went to the doctor to see about getting the husband
"fixed" the doctor agreed to do the required
procedure and asked them after nine why would
you choose to do this..... the husband replied that they
had read in recent article that one out of every ten being
born in north america was mexican and they didn't want
a mexican baby ...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
a little testy 6/4/2007
a women went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the
doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for
her she was a little worried about some of the side effects
she was experiencing Doctor the hormones you've been
giving me have really helped but i'm afraid that you're
giving me to much i've started growing hair in places
that i've never grown hair before the doctor reassurued
her a ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score |
|
best friend 6/4/2007
a guy walks into a bar and orders a triple shot of wild turkey
the bar tender says man thats a strong shot is something
wrong the man says yes i found my wife in bed with my best friend
the bar keep says wow thats bad here have one on me the bar
keep looks at him do you mind if i ask what you did to them the
guy says well i told her to pack her shit and get out the bar
keep says good going thats ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score |
|
password 6/4/2007
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer
and asked him what word he would like to use as a password
to log in with >br> wanting to embarrass his new secretary
a bit and let her know where they stood he smugly told her
to enter 'penis' >br> without blinking
or saying a word she entered the password she then almost
died laughing at the computers response >br> ...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
0 Votes
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at the pearly Gates 6/4/2007
it was time for St Peter's annual three week vacation
and jesus volounteered to fill in for him at the pearly gates
it's easy St Peter explained sit at the registration
desk and ask each person a little about his or her life the
send them to housekeeping to pick up their wings on the third
day jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man standing
in front of him he asked the old man to tell him ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
0 Votes
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bush 6/4/2007
a man gets into a taxi in washington and as they are driving
along the driver asks say buddy you heard the latest george
bush joke? the passenger leans forward and says i am george
bush the driver replies ok then i'll explain it real
slowly...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score |
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fucking a super hero 6/3/2007
superman was doing a tour of the city one night when he sees
wonder women laying on a beach start naked he thinks to himeself
finally after all these years heres my chance with the women
of my dreams so superman zooms down quickly does his thing
and leaves the wonder women stunned and shocked says what
the heck was that the invisible man goes i don't know
but my ass sure is sore!
0 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score |
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if you only knew... 6/3/2007
according to a news report a certain private school in markham
ON canada was recently faced with a unique problem a number
of 12 year old girls were begining to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom that was fine but after they put
on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror
leaving dozens of little lip prints every night the maintenance
man would remove them and the ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score |
|
Dr. you wont laugh will you? 6/3/2007
"you won't laugh? asked fred of course i won't
laugh the doctor said i'm a professional in twenty
years l've never laughed at a patient ok then fred said
and proceeded to drop his trousers revealling the tiniest
penis the doctor had ever seen it couldn't have been
the size of a peanut unable to control himself the dotor
started giggling and then fell laughing to the floor ten
minutes later he ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score |
|
could be! 6/3/2007
"you've got the wrong number said the sleepy
eyed man into the telephone receiver your gonna have to
call the weather report for that information who was that
the beautiful young wife asked some guy wanting to know
if the coast was clear
0 Comments, 33 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score |
|
dick tracy lives 6/3/2007
two private detectives where secretly watching a young
women through a bedroom window the two detectives recognized
the women as their 's wife and she was having
wild sex with a strange man this is what i suspected detective
number one said lets go in after him terrific detective
number two said how soon do you think he will be finished
0 Comments, 39 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score |
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pet shop rabbit 6/3/2007
a precious little girl walks into a pet shop and ask "excuthe
me do you have any widdle wabbits? as the shopkeeper's
heart melts he gets down on his knees so that he's on
her level and he ask do you want a widdle white wabbit or maybe
one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there? she in
turn blushes rocks on her heels puts her hands on her knees
leans forward and whispers........ "i don't ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
0 Votes
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pussy size 6/3/2007
once a person visited a shop to purchase a bra for his wife
the sales girl asked for the bra size the man said he don't
remember the bra size what he do the sales girl said touch
my boobs and estimate the size of your wifes boobs the man
replied oh i forget my wife asked for panties also and i don't
know her pussy size
0 Comments, 51 Views,
0 Votes
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crude jokes 6/3/2007
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife,
Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you
can't beat a blowjob.
Q. What do you call born in whorehouses? A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?"
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
...
2 Comments, 80 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score |
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Family Fun 6/1/2007
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely
wife, "Honey, we're going fishing this weekend,
you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't
want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come
fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW ...
0 Comments, 194 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score |
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Retirement 6/1/2007
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted
by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
cigars. The folks at the third house ...
0 Comments, 65 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score |
|
jokes for the ladies 6/1/2007
Q-What is white and 12"? A- Nothing
Q-What is the best thing that comes out of a penis? A-The wrinkles...
Q-How come polish women stopped using vibrators? A-They kept chipping their teeth...
One day there was a foot and a penis that could talk to eachother,
and they were comparing who had the worst job, so the foot
said, "Every morning at 5am he puts me on that ...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score |
|
10 6/1/2007
ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you
say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every
bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call
1- ...
1 Comments, 45 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score |
|
Not the bloke joke 6/1/2007
How can you tell when a man is going to say something intelligent?
He starts out with "A woman once said......"
2 Comments, 55 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
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Traffic cops gone wrong 6/1/2007
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls
in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving
a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out
of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were
speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper,
and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning
and ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
Cheap car 5/31/2007
A men was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500.
Porsche! New! The man thought that is was unusual to sell
a Porshce for $500, and he thought it was a joke, but thought
it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and
sure enough, She had an almost brand new Porsche. "WOW!"
The man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?"
He was supprised that it ran perfectly and took it back ...
7 Comments, 239 Views,
11 Votes
,4.66 Score |
|
Human Resources Problem 5/29/2007
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath
of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department
and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance
against him.
The Human Resources ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score |
|
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY 5/29/2007
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY Good : Your wife is pregnant. Bad : It's triplets. Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you Bad : She wants a divorce. Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your is finally maturing. Bad ...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
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A , A Chicken and A Harley 5/27/2007
kycpl2playwithOn the farm
lived a chicken an a , both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the fell into a bog
and began to sink. Scared for his life, the whinnied for the chicken
to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm,
he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,
for he had ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
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More blond jokes . 5/26/2007
Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench
talking...... And one blonde says to the other, "Which do You think is farther away..........Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo,
can You see Melbourne .?????"
CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died.
After he works on it ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
4 Votes
,0.92 Score |
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Do as I say, not as I do! 5/26/2007
It was the middle of the night when the little boy had to get
up to go to the bathroom. However, as he passed his parent's
open bedroom and happen to look in, he decided to just go
back to bed and forget it. As he slowly climbed in, he shook his head and muttered to
himself, "...and to think that Mom gets pissed at
me for sucking my THUMB!"
0 Comments, 154 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score |
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Olympic Condoms 5/26/2007
The couple was about to enjoy their usual Friday date-night
sex, when the young lady happen to look down at a brightly
colored object in the young man's hand. "What are those?" she querried. "Oh. Those are my Olympic condoms" replied
the young man, "They come in Gold, Silver, and Bronze!"
"What color are you using?" she asked. "For you, darling, always the Gold." he responded.
She ...
0 Comments, 98 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score |
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Never get Tired of Blondes 5/23/2007
THE BLONDE AND THE GATOR
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator
shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices
the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one
of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well ...
2 Comments, 135 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score |
|
Penis Joke 5/23/2007
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?"
0 Comments, 79 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
Penis Joke 5/23/2007
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
0 Comments, 35 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
lol 5/23/2007
dont do drugs and dont have sex lol what your parents always
said right? lol
0 Comments, 32 Views,
4 Votes
,0.14 Score |
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lol 5/23/2007
hey i need a hand jack alright bob i'll give a hand. jessica
do you need a hand no jack and bob i need ya dicks!!!
0 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
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bjhfgvhjk 5/23/2007
tykirngggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg iuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
riujrjntriutjreoifmfodfmgdfigjjrpejfijidfjfmjirjkfjeriskfjeirkdjrugkdpa95k4fkfjkkfkfjhkfkhmfkfkyjgjfkfkfkfkfjgjgjgjfjjfjfjfkgkfjfkgjfkgjfkgjfkgjtitkfkgjfjkgkkfigjfkgkgkgjrritktjrkfjtirifkgjg,
l, mglkhmklmgh klhgklhjfgjhdrfkgjfdlghfdlkfjgfklg
lhfghrthrturdhgldfgoirhtreo rdoghijoth goijgrihtrdogn
0 Comments, 10 Views,
1 Votes
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Redneck Humor 5/22/2007
Handier than a peter at a picnic (not sure why but sounds
good)
Having more fun than a puppy with two peters
Nervous as a in church
0 Comments, 61 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score |
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Blond in a casino . 5/22/2007
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand
pounds on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and Yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
3 Votes
,0.49 Score |
|
2222 5/22/2007
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple
and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market,
if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally,
Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty
much the way you do, " responds the ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score |
|
A guy dies whilst making love 5/22/2007
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later
the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband
still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife
replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"
The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral
the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear
rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It
fucking ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
0 Votes
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Priceless Hangover 5/21/2007
>> >> > >> >Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the
night at a business >>function. >> >He forces himself to open his eyes and the
first thing he sees is a >>couple >> >of aspirins next to a glass of water on the
side table. And, next to >>them, >> >a >> >single red rose! >> > >> > >> > >> >Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front
of him, all clean and >> >pressed. >> > >> > >> > >> > ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
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Italian (I mean Sicilian) Logic 5/21/2007
An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls
his grandson to his bed.
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated
38 revolver so you always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz
about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna
DA business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money,
a ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score |
|
Heres one for ya. 5/20/2007
If women with big breasts work at Hooters, where do women
with 1 leg work?
iHop.
0 Comments, 55 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
|
Social Structure 5/20/2007
A boy got homework to explain about social structure. At
dinner he asked his dad. “Dad, can you explain the social structure to me?” Dad says, “Sure , I will explain in a very simple term
to you” “I provide income to the family, I am the Big Business” “Mom manages the money and runs everything the house, so
she is the Government.” ...
0 Comments, 68 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score |
|
Met a woman at the bar 5/19/2007
I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit,
then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's
double', a mother and threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky
night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score |
|
Hahaha my dad's co-worker told me this and I have to share 5/18/2007
Q: What is the most important question to ask before having
sex with a woman?
A: When is your husband coming home?
0 Comments, 40 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score |
|
How would you like to be an egg? 5/18/2007
>If you think YOUR life is bad..... > >How would you like to be an egg? > > > >You only get laid once. > >You only get eaten once. > >It takes four minutes to get hard. > >Only two minutes to get soft. > >You share your box with 11 other guys > >But worst of all.. > >the only chick that ever sat on >your face was your mother!!! > >So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!
0 Comments, 50 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
THE CALL 5/17/2007
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other
day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic
nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked
if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that
"magic."
Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep
pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score |
|
Today's funnies 5/16/2007
Marriage bliss
A husband and wife are in bed together. She feels his hand
rubbing against her shoulder. "Oh honey, that feels
good.", she says. His hand moves to her breast. "Gee,
honey, that feels wonderful.", she says. His hand
moves to her leg. "Oh, honey, don't stop."
she begs. But he stops................. "Why did
you stop?" she cries ??? "I found the remote..."
he ...
0 Comments, 163 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
Beans 5/16/2007
>One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When
it became apparent >that we would marry, >I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. > >Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down
on the way home from >work. > >Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband
and told him that I >would be late because >I had to walk home. > >On my way, I passed by a small diner and the ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score |
|
Farmer 5/15/2007
A farmer comes home from a hard day out in the fields and walks
into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "This
is the pig I've been fucking" the wife says "You
dumbass thats not a pig its a sheep" He says "Shut
up I wasn't talking to you"
0 Comments, 113 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
|
Nervous Wreck 5/15/2007
I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery.
It didn't help matters when the admitting nurse asked
me, Have you had a hysterectomy before.
1 Comments, 112 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score |
|
Gas Price 5/15/2007
The action movie had a spectacular scene where the bad gay
blew up a convenience store. The building and the gas pumps
in front were engulfed in a huge ball of fire, Wow! my husband
gasped. I was about to say, That was a pretty impressive
explosion, when he continued, Did you see the price of regular?
A dollar eighty-nine a gallon.
0 Comments, 108 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
|
Long lived 5/15/2007
A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from
the cleaners. Pretty said one of the guys. Big date tonight?
I picked it up for a friend, she replied, adding, Do you
really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this? Jerry
smiled and said, Do you really think I've lived this
long by answering questions like that?
0 Comments, 80 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
OFF TO VEGAS 5/14/2007
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front
porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!',
said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I
just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for
free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then
ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later ...
1 Comments, 148 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score |
|
BIRD'S ANDS BEE'S 5/14/2007
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when
her walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear,
Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they
go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The looks puzzled so the mother continues, ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score |
|
The Broken Mower 5/14/2007
The Broken Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score |
|
One more blonde Joke: 5/14/2007
The Blonde and the Shepard
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess
how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, ...
3 Comments, 173 Views,
10 Votes
,4.18 Score |
|
A True Blonde Story 5/14/2007
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high
desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating,
was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just
couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish
in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it ...
1 Comments, 109 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score |
|
Blondes and horseback riding.... 5/14/2007
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she
has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the
unassisted and the immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for
the 's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the 's neck,
but she slides ...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
3 fears of a combat soldier 5/14/2007
3 fears of a combat soldier:
Chelsea Clinton was talking to a combat decorated soldier
and she asked him the three things he feared most.
He said : "Osama, Obama, and Yo Mama."
1 Comments, 90 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score |
|
Gotta love blonde jokes..... 5/14/2007
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please
come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's
a tiger." The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty
good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him
in the door and ...
1 Comments, 72 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
Virgin after first 2 inch. 5/14/2007
A man got married. Couple of days later his wife's old
husband asked him how is the 2nd hand wife. The new husband
replied good as she was virgin after 1st 2 inch
0 Comments, 254 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score |
|
Devil, Hell and Haven 5/14/2007
A Girl Asked a Prist What is Devil Hell and Haven. The Prist
replyed Between My Two Legs is Devil, Between your two legs
is hell, Lock the Devil into the hell you will get haven.
1 Comments, 117 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
" Shadow & X " 5/11/2007
Here I am. I'm not hiding!
ROFLMAO! ...
4 Comments, 123 Views,
9 Votes
,2.14 Score |
|
Lesbian Frogs 5/10/2007
What did the one lesbian frog tell the other lesbian frog?
IT TRUE!!! - we do taste like chicken
0 Comments, 61 Views,
5 Votes
,2.16 Score |
|
Two Prostitutes 5/10/2007
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the
roof of their car which read, "TWO prostitUTES...
$150.00." A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over.
He approached the ladies and told them they'd have
to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested
and taken to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read,
"JESUS SAVES." The two ladies asked the ...
0 Comments, 131 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score |
|
The Bad Donkey 5/10/2007
What if your donkey bit the leg off of my rooster, what would
happen?
You would have a foot of my cock in your ass....
0 Comments, 31 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
|
TEN HUSBANDS 5/10/2007
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that
be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he
kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he ...
1 Comments, 121 Views,
10 Votes
,3.19 Score |
|
Care to go upstairs? 5/10/2007
newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being
on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband
asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors
will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper
thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in
code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left
the washing machine door open' instead?"
...
0 Comments, 80 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score |
|
Grab A Burger 5/8/2007
I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There were no
cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window. We're
still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker,
the clerk scolded. I drove all the way around the bulding
to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. I'm
sorry, she said, we are now serving lunch.
0 Comments, 108 Views,
6 Votes
,0.80 Score |
|
Keys 5/8/2007
First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I'd
locked my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning
that roadside service couldn't get a locksmith to
me for at least two hours. Finally the guy showed, looking
exhausted. As he struggled with my door, I joked. Do those
Slim Jim tools come in purse-size? Yeah, he muttered. They're
called keys.
0 Comments, 82 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
Laptop 5/8/2007
Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company
help line. The service rep, based in another country, did
not speak English very well. So I tried to explain it as simply
as possible. I can't get the computer to work. Ah, I
see he responded. You are unable to transport your computer
to your place of employment.
0 Comments, 74 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
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Bedtime Prayer 5/8/2007
Before i lay me down to sleep, i pray for a man thats not a creep.
One who is handsome, smart and strong, one whos willys thick
and long. One who'll make love til my bodys twitching...in
the hall, the loo, garden or kitchen.
I pray that this man will will love me til the end and never
attempt to shag my best friend.
And as i kneel and pray by my bed, i look at the wanker you ...
1 Comments, 102 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score |
|
Just Fred. 5/7/2007
Just Fred
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed
limit. He asks the man his name. "Fred, " he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred, " the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol,
and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write
him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer ...
3 Comments, 143 Views,
8 Votes
,3.48 Score |
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buds and baskets 5/7/2007
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
With this See-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother Just pitched a fit,
Telling her not to dare go out like that!
The tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are
Modern Times. You gotta let your rose buds show!"
and out She goes.
The next day the comes down stairs, and the ...
3 Comments, 204 Views,
12 Votes
,3.51 Score |
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MY Happinesss 5/7/2007
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life..
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh
and smile.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and
who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score |
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"Cute Containers" 5/7/2007
BIOLOGY MID-TERM
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking amid
term.
The last question was, "Name seven advantages of
Mothers Milk, " worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, who had partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the .
2. It provides immunity against ...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score |
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Luigi and Virginia!!!! 5/7/2007
Returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey
to say hello to his friends.
The barber, Giovanni, said, "Hey, Luigi, how wasa
da treep?" Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for
da train ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central ...
0 Comments, 105 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score |
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One Wish Genie 5/7/2007
A woman was walking along a deserted beach one day when she
saw an old bottle. She picked it up and while she was rubbing
the sand off, smoke arose from it and a genie appeared. The
amazed woman asked if she got 3 wishes. The genie said, "Nope,
sorry, 3-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one
wish genie. So...what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle ...
3 Comments, 139 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score |
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RALPH & EDNA 5/7/2007
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
heroic act she immediately ordered her to be ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score |
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Are you Kathlick? 5/7/2007
Three little Boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been Baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there.
One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will You baptize ...
3 Comments, 106 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score |
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A Good "Feel" 5/7/2007
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She
spends $5, 000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't
mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32, " is the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes ...
2 Comments, 143 Views,
8 Votes
,6.03 Score |
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Man Think 5/6/2007
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other
day. I had not seen her in many years. We has such a great conversation; we lost track of time,
chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd
be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that
"magic."
Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could ...
1 Comments, 108 Views,
0 Votes
|
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Wat Religion Is Your Bra? 5/5/2007
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd
like to buy a bra for my wife." " What type of bra?" asked the clerk. " Type?" inquires the man, "There's
more than one type? "Look around, " said the saleslady, as she
showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. ...
3 Comments, 185 Views,
15 Votes
,4.66 Score |
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Irish Priest 5/5/2007
An Irish priest is transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley
rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas
mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to
get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle
of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
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INSTALLING A HUSBAND 5/4/2007
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly
in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 ...
4 Comments, 174 Views,
14 Votes
,6.34 Score |
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Marriage 5/4/2007
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same ...
0 Comments, 124 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score |
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tounge twister 5/3/2007
read to yourself and then say outloud quickly
One smart fellow he felt smart Two smart fellows they felt smart Three smart fellows they all felt smart.
enjoy !!!
1 Comments, 72 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score |
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cakes 5/3/2007
An elderly Welshman is on his deathbed. He can feel the end
isnt far off, when he suddenly notices a wonderful aroma.
He realises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favourite
food...Welsh cakes.
He finds the strength to drag himself to the kitchen and
as he reaches his frail, withered hand up to the table, he
suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon as his wife barks
"fuck off ...
2 Comments, 143 Views,
15 Votes
,4.36 Score |
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Someone steals a drunken man's car! 5/2/2007
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key
in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can
I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! ssshomebody ssstole my car!" the
man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time u saw
it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man
replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time ...
1 Comments, 175 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score |
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at the zoo 5/2/2007
An elephant meets a camel at the zoo and asks "why have
you got tits on your back?"
The camel replies "thats rich coming from a fat fucker
with a dick on his face"
1 Comments, 124 Views,
8 Votes
,2.78 Score |
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Walking the Dog 5/1/2007
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog
for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the . "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad,
may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom,
but she said the was in heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over ...
4 Comments, 338 Views,
14 Votes
,6.34 Score |
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Bumble Bee 5/1/2007
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making
love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.
As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's
a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took
her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, ...
2 Comments, 117 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score |
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The Legless Parrot 5/1/2007
The Legless Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on
a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The
guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm
a defective parrot."
"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually
understood and answered me!"
"I got ...
0 Comments, 73 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score |
|
Washing! 5/1/2007
Fred and Mary use a code for sex, the word is "washing
machine". That night in bed Fred whispers to Mary
"washing machine". Mary says "not tonight
dear im too tired".
10mins later she feels guilty and says to Fred "washing
machine". Fred replies "too late, it was only
a small load so i did it by hand"
3 Comments, 164 Views,
13 Votes
,5.16 Score |
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HUSBAND WANTED 5/1/2007
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that
is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local
newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
she opened the door ...
1 Comments, 126 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score |
|
Wisdon from Larry the cable guy! 5/1/2007
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without ...
3 Comments, 97 Views,
7 Votes
,5.84 Score |
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Golf Lesson! 5/1/2007
A man had a terrible golf problem, so he went for a lesson.
Well, what should I do?", asked the man. "Hold the club gently, " the pro replied, "just
like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball
250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went
back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the
wife couldn't wait for her ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
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Frog! 5/1/2007
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down
the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind
him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute, and knocked
on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked
what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until
I get ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
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Ball licker 5/1/2007
Two men are walking down the road and see a licking its
balls. The first man says: "Gee, I wish I could do that."
The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He
might bite."
0 Comments, 61 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
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Prison 5/1/2007
It's a stockbroker's first day in prison and on
meeting his psychotic-looking cell mate, when he notices
how scared the stockbroker looks. "I'm in for a white-collar crime, too."
"Oh, really?" says the stockbroker, sighing
with relief. "Yes, " says the cellmate, "I killed
a vicar."
0 Comments, 79 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
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How to impress a woman 5/1/2007
How to impress a woman: compliment her, cuddle her, kiss
her, caress, love her, tease her, comfort her, protect
her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine
her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go the ends
of the earth for her. How to impress a man: turn up naked with beer.
0 Comments, 65 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
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Honestly!!! 5/1/2007
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated
this morning."
"I don't believe you, " replies Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
1 Comments, 88 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score |
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Finish the old stories.... 5/1/2007
Little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how
was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, , I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together
in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with
your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded
room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ...
0 Comments, 113 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
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golf course 5/1/2007
Question: Do you know the most difficult Golf Course in
this world?
Answer: “Woman’s hole” No matter how many strokes or style
u play, your balls will never go in!
0 Comments, 50 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score |
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some parents know where are their priorities 5/1/2007
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her
period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to
the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows
that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who
was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The
girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops ...
2 Comments, 193 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score |
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Loses Virginity 4/30/2007
A 17 year-old comes home one day with a grin from ear to ear
and proudly proclaims to his father that he is no longer
a virgin. His father is pleased to have another "MAN"
in the house and goes to the fridge and grabs a couple of beers.
He hands his a beer and beaming with pride says, ",
tell me all about it...what was it like?" The tells
his father, "Dad, it was incredible, but I have one ...
1 Comments, 251 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score |
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When I Was 4/30/2007
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried
all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was ...
0 Comments, 59 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
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Retired 4/28/2007
Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having
him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated
with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy
his time, like join a club or get a hobby.
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he
got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh,
I just went down to the park and hung out with the ...
0 Comments, 98 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
language skills 4/27/2007
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived
happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very
proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real Problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One
day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't
know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, ...
3 Comments, 129 Views,
10 Votes
,3.98 Score |
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MARKETING 4/27/2007
>> The buzz word in today's business world is
MARKETING. However,
>> people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
>> Well, here it is:
>>
>> 1.You're a woman and you see a handsome guy
at a party.
>> You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic
in bed."
>> That's Direct ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score |
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ARE YOU GIVING 100% ? 4/27/2007
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more
than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What
makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
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NEW FED TAX ON MALE THINGMAJIG 4/27/2007
2007 Tax Code
The only thing that the Goverment has not taxed yet is the
male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it
is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard
up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents
and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will ...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
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ELDERLY GAMBLING WOMAN 4/27/2007
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning
with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account
and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because,
she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the
is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the
president's office.
The president of the Bank asked ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score |
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Have you registered your man yet? 4/26/2007
Fall Classes for Men at THE LONG PRAIRIE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Monday, Oct 30, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS
MAXIMUM .
Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for ...
1 Comments, 56 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score |
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A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS 4/25/2007
A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair,
turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring
me a beer before it starts". She looked a little puzzled,
but bought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick,
bring me another beer. It's going to start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, ...
1 Comments, 143 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score |
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Still lookin' 4/25/2007
Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She:"Oh that feels good." His hand moves to her breast. She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful." His hand moves to her leg. She: "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops. She: "Why did you stop?" He:"I found the remote."
2 Comments, 168 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score |
|
Your momma... 4/22/2007
Your mommas pussy is so hairy, when your brother was born
he died of rug burn.
0 Comments, 109 Views,
8 Votes
|
|
Creation of pussy... 4/22/2007
THE CREATION OF THE PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to
their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using
a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong
and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third
was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined
it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a ...
1 Comments, 155 Views,
9 Votes
,5.14 Score |
|
An oldie but a goodie... 4/22/2007
An eskimo takes his snowmobile into a garage. The mechanic
has a look and says, 'Looks like you've blown a
seal', to which the eskimo replies, 'No, mate,
it's just frost on my moustache!'
1 Comments, 99 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score |
|
three person 4/22/2007
there are 3 person (muslim , cristain and hindu) they went
to long jouney in the way they bought some sweats , but sweats
are little bit , they decited together who'll saw a
nice dream tonight than he can eat sweats. and they asleep,
in the morning they awake up first the hindhu said that i
saw a nice dream last night , i saw our kalidhevi came and
she broght me and show me the world. they are ...
0 Comments, 120 Views,
2 Votes
|
|
After the date 4/22/2007
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if
she had a good time.
Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's
in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"Chelsea
said, "Not according to Dad."
3 Comments, 172 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Golf anyone 4/21/2007
Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over
heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation,
the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they
would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf
nut, " Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so
if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." ...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score |
|
Jamaican Sandals 4/20/2007
A married couple walked into a tourist shop. The Jamaican
said to them, "I have some special sandals I think
you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals
after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really
didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband
asked the man, "How could sandals make you ...
1 Comments, 169 Views,
10 Votes
,3.58 Score |
|
Tools 4/20/2007
Tools and their REAL uses. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of ...
1 Comments, 85 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score |
|
The Devil showed up 4/20/2007
A few minutes before weekly services started, the townspeople
were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the
front entrance in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly ...
0 Comments, 105 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score |
|
names! 4/19/2007
A guy walked into a bar and asked for a drink, the bartender
said sure i just need the name of your penis, The man said
ok give me a minute. So the man asked another guy at the bar
what the name of his penis was and he said a FORD the guys guy
asked a ford y? Its built tough. OK then he goes to another
guys and asked the name of his penis and the guy said its a
CHEVY. Y a chevy he ...
1 Comments, 226 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
Perfect Shot 4/17/2007
Ed stood over his tee shot on the long ninth for what seemed
an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but
didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, " What the
hell is taking you so long?"
"My wife, Di is up there watching me from the clubhouse
balcony, " Tom explained. "I wanna make a perfect
shot."
"Oh come on Ed, " his ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
10 Votes
,3.39 Score |
|
Religious John 4/16/2007
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices A sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without Second thought.. ..Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF T. FRANCIS HOUSE OF 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize ...
0 Comments, 174 Views,
5 Votes
,1.19 Score |
|
Psychiatrist phone 4/16/2007
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4,
5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and
what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score |
|
Three Blondes at the Gate 4/15/2007
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before
St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the
Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is the holiday where
they have a big feast, give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter rolled his eyes, said, "Blondes, "
and banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
|
LOnger legs 4/15/2007
There was a young man in the air force who was so well endowed
it was causing problems with his knee. Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating
room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We`ll just take a big hunk
off the end." They discussed it and decided that would
affect his sensitivity. The second doctor said, "We`ll just take a big hunk
out of the middle of ...
0 Comments, 209 Views,
12 Votes
,3.86 Score |
|
4 bells 4/15/2007
Putting out the Fire A man who worked for a fire station came from work one day
and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system
at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks. "From now on we're going to run this house the
same way." When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip ...
1 Comments, 155 Views,
17 Votes
,5.67 Score |
|
Pants and panties 4/15/2007
A typical macho man married the typical good-looking lady.
On there honey moon before they crawled into bed he says
to his wife, "honey I want you to do something for me"
She's thinking oh great he wants it his way, so she says,
"Yes dear what would you like me to do?" He replies,
"I want you to put on my pants" So she thinks for
a minute then she says ok. Well as she goes to pull up the pants ...
0 Comments, 155 Views,
6 Votes
,1.66 Score |
|
Only in New York 4/15/2007
Only in New York! A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When
she went to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her
tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've
got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning;
and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score |
|
over coffee 4/14/2007
Two guy were having coffee when one said you know I never
had sex with my wife before we were married. Did you? The
other said I don't rightly know what was her maiden
name.
0 Comments, 111 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score |
|
The Pearly Gates 4/13/2007
An Engineer is standing outside the Pearly Gates. "Sorry, "St.
Peter tells him, but you're in the wrong place."
He snaps his fingers and the engineer finds himself in hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort there, the engineer
starts making improvements. One day, God phones Satan
to ask how things are going. "Great, " he answers.
"We've got central air and escalators now. There's
no ...
0 Comments, 80 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score |
|
Football 3 4/13/2007
How many college football players does it take to change
a light bulb? The entire team. And they each get a semester's
credit for it.
0 Comments, 47 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score |
|
Football 2 4/13/2007
Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
0 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score |
|
Football 1 4/13/2007
How do you keep cool at a football game? Stand next to a fan.
0 Comments, 35 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score |
|
Words 4/13/2007
Teacher: There are two words I don't allow in my class.
One is gross, and the other is cool. Johnny: So, what are
the words?
0 Comments, 67 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score |
|
Bull Pill 4/13/2007
A farmer in Culpeper, VA went to the local branch of Wachovia
Bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker
Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.
The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't
even look at a cow. Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian
take a look at the bull.
Next ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score |
|
2029 Headlines! 4/13/2007
*Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
formerly known as California. White minorities still
trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language.
*Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States
crops and livestock.
*Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
*Couple ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
|
Email OOP'S 4/13/2007
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong Email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score |
|
Trip to Hawaii 4/12/2007
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the East River.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on
the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so
much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and
if ...
0 Comments, 118 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score |
|
FLAT BELLY 4/12/2007
A little boy walks into his parents'
room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
the mom sees her and quickly dismounts, worried about
what her has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find
him.
The sees his mom and asks, "What
were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score |
|
One Testicle 4/10/2007
One Testicle..... > > > >There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone".
>So named because he had only one testicle. He hated
that name and asked >everyone not to call him Onestone. >After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said, >"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill
them!" >The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
>Then one day a young ...
0 Comments, 98 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
A guy walks into a.......... 4/7/2007
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman
wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father
of one of my ."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the
stripper from ...
0 Comments, 219 Views,
10 Votes
,4.18 Score |
|
In Bed 4/7/2007
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
2 Comments, 189 Views,
12 Votes
,4.74 Score |
|
Attitude 4/7/2007
The new bride, after getting sexy for her new husband, comes
into the bedroom and sees him standing there with his pants
in his hand. He hold his pants out to her and says. "Here put these
on." To this she says. "Those won't fit me."
"Right." He says. "And I want you to remember
who wears the pants in the family." She puts her thumbs in the waist band of her bakini panties,
pulls them off and ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score |
|
Puppies 4/7/2007
Johnie was at the park with his dad when he saw two dogs getting
it on. He pulled on his dad's pants leg and said. "Daddy,
what are those dogs doing?" His dad looked over and said. "There just making pupies."
And that was that. That night after going to bed he awoke needing to take a leak.
He got up and headed for the bathroom. When he passed his
parents open door he heard some moaning and looked ...
0 Comments, 166 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score |
|
Why 4/6/2007
Why do you need a drivers license to buy beer when you can't
drink and drive?
Do you park in the driveway amd Drive on the Parkway?
Why is there an interstate hiway in Hawaii?
0 Comments, 104 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score |
|
Say, I think he's right...! 4/5/2007
Clem & Billy Bob were enjoying a nice day of fishing.
As Clem finished off his beer, he tells Billy Bob, "I
think I'm goin' to divorse my wife... she hasn't
spoken to me in over a month now!" "Well, Clem..." replied Billy Bob, "you
might wanna think about that a little more, a good wife like
that is pretty hard to find"
0 Comments, 140 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
Getting Even 4/5/2007
Two best friends were on a river bank fishing when one of
them said to the other. Hey, if I was to sneak out of here
and go to your house. Then make love to your wife and get her
pregnant would that make us relatives? "No"
the other man said "JUST EVEN"
0 Comments, 246 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score |
|
New bike 4/5/2007
For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, ", we'd give you one, but
the mortgage on this house is $280, 000 & your mother
just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, ", where are
you going?"
Little Joe told him: "I was walking past your room
last ...
0 Comments, 194 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score |
|
Escaped prisoner 4/4/2007
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking
for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While
tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses
her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in ...
0 Comments, 157 Views,
7 Votes
,2.28 Score |
|
The coincidence 4/4/2007
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next
to a women patron.
He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm
celebrating."
"What a coincidence, " said the woman, "I'm
celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him
and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, " he replied. "For
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're
finally ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score |
|
The cruise 4/4/2007
A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise
for himself and his girlfriend.
The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and
things were very tight, but that he would see what he could
do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said
he could now get them onto a three day cruise.
The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three ...
0 Comments, 154 Views,
12 Votes
,3.51 Score |
|
sex-obsessed? 4/4/2007
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them
ignores them at first but her attention is galvanised when
she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses they come together again.
I come aain and pee twice. Then I come one lasta ...
0 Comments, 116 Views,
7 Votes
,2.53 Score |
|
Best contraceptive 4/4/2007
Two girls: - Which is the best contraceptive? - An aspirin. - ??? - Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight.
0 Comments, 87 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score |
|
Three nuns 4/4/2007
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters,
you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting
you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to
be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's
gone.
The third ...
0 Comments, 164 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score |
|
Life on the farm 4/4/2007
A Schoharie County farmer got in his pickup and drove to
a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A
young boy about 9 opened the door.
"Is yer Pa home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't, " the boy replied. "He
went into town."
"Well", said the farmer, "is yer Ma here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into
town with Pa. "
"How about your ...
0 Comments, 159 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
|
Average 4/3/2007
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about
900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of
22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per
gallon.
0 Comments, 88 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score |
|
No Needles 4/3/2007
NO WAY, NO NEEDLES !!
A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist
takes out a needle to give the man a shot of Novacain.
"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles."
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man
again objects. "No gas, please the mask on my face
is suffocating to me."
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking ...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
alligator shoes 4/3/2007
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one
of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well
then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score |
|
Taking A Woman To Bed 4/2/2007
Taking a woman to bed
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18,
28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her
to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48 -- She tells you a ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score |
|
Drive Up ATM 4/1/2007
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that
this Bank is
installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers
to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use
the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of ...
2 Comments, 139 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score |
|
Ya gotta love older folks! 4/1/2007
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said
he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought
a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed
store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem ...
4 Comments, 243 Views,
15 Votes
,5.27 Score |
|
$20 3/31/2007
A guy goes out drinking after work one day with his buddy.
After a few drinks, he throws up on himself. "My wife
is going to kill me. I wasn't supposed to be drinking
tonight". His buddy tells him, "Just put a $20
bill in your pocket and tell your wife that someone at the
bar threw up on you and gave you $20 for your cleaning bill."
They have a few more drinks and are REALLY plastered. When
he ...
2 Comments, 157 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score |
|
The Curtain Rods 3/30/2007
The Curtain Rods
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of Chardonnay. ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score |
|
MALE STRIPPERS 3/30/2007
Male Strippers
Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night
Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled
out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back , licks the $20 bill, ...
1 Comments, 152 Views,
10 Votes
,3.39 Score |
|
New UCLA Study 3/30/2007
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry
has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive
on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual
cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men
with rugged, masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends
to be more attracted to a man with ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score |
|
Park Politics 3/30/2007
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper.
Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,
"All politicians are *ssholes."
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I
take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?"
"No, " he replies, "I'm an *sshole."
0 Comments, 108 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score |
|
Alaskan Accident: 3/30/2007
Alaskan Accident:
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,
an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced
Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife, " said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
buying lingerie 3/29/2007
PS short story for you.
A husband walks into " Victoria's Secret"
to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities ranging from $250 to
$500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the
lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put
it on and ...
4 Comments, 195 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score |
|
Lexus 3/29/2007
A lady walked into a LEXUS dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen & walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed & hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing ...
3 Comments, 148 Views,
9 Votes
|
|
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK 3/29/2007
(maybe some haven't heard this one)
A girl was shopping at the local supermarket and selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, ...
4 Comments, 167 Views,
12 Votes
|
|
Fireman Sex 3/29/2007
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You
know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL
1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all
slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire
truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.
When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL
3, we are ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score |
|
All-night Duty 3/29/2007
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty
at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home
four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept
into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily
sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down
to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some ...
0 Comments, 127 Views,
8 Votes
,3.94 Score |
|
Hair Style 3/29/2007
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself
in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that
he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends
her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture
to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half,
but ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
Grandma's Idea 3/29/2007
One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets
home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without
any pants on!
So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you
realize that you're not wearing any pants?"
His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."
Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without
any pants on Grandpa?"
His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
10 Votes
,3.19 Score |
|
Did You Call For Me? 3/29/2007
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day
he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A
gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately
gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning
sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says:
"You must be new here; let me explain. It's a ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score |
|
New Tax 3/29/2007
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around
unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time
it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top
of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according
to size. The brackets ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
That's Not Going to Help 3/29/2007
One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom,
how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling,
but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?"
His mother , very surprised, replies; "Honey you
know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help
him lose weight".
The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother
why...
"Mom that's not ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score |
|
Sunburned 3/29/2007
A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat
questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.
To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the
roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed
to get a sunburn on his "tool". ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score |
|
International Disadvantaged People's Day 3/29/2007
Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend,
just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm
animals, vote Republican or occasionally shit your pants.......You
hang in there sunshine, you're special..
0 Comments, 64 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
|
Coward 3/29/2007
Two are arguing over whose father is the most coward.
The first one says, " My dad is so scared that when
a lightning strikes he slides underneath our bed"
The second goes, " That's nutting, my dad
is so scared that when mummy works night-shift he sleeps
with the woman next door."
0 Comments, 119 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score |
|
Camel Sex Or Camel Ride 3/29/2007
A new American Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in
a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection
of his new outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the
mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous
sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250
men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the
men have 'urges'. That's ...
2 Comments, 115 Views,
9 Votes
,5.14 Score |
|
Lawyers and Questions ......... 3/29/2007
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a
grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you
cheat on your wife, and ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score |
|
Who wears the pants in the family? 3/28/2007
A knew bride was in the bathroom getting all sexy for her
new husband. When she came out he handed her his pants and
told her to put them on. "Those won't fit me." she said. "There're
too big." "I just want you to remember" He said. "who
wears the pants in the family. "Oh is that right." She came back as she hooked
her thumbs in the waist band of her panties. She pulled them
off and ...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
|
Boobs and Willies 3/28/2007
A family is sitting around the supper table. The asks
his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, , there
are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's
breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties
to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging
a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?"
"Yes, see them and ...
0 Comments, 98 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score |
|
No Undies 3/28/2007
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she
bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman!
Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping
money to afford any." The Englishman immediately
reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of
decency, here's £30. ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score |
|
Triplets 3/28/2007
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street
when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three
times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon
decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky
to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one
walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?"
asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet
came out." ...
2 Comments, 94 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Whay condoms come in 3's 3/28/2007
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old . They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
.
Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see, "
replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class
at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ...
1 Comments, 115 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score |
|
Warning 3/28/2007
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists
released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence
of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain progesterone’s)
and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory,
100 men drank 8 pints ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
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Guy Rules 3/27/2007
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON ...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
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Being a Biker 3/27/2007
A biker was sitting in his living room reading Easy Rider
Magazine when his 5 year old came running from the kitchen,
grabbed the cat and bit him, threw a handfull of M&M's
in his mouth and ran out the front door. The biker woundered what the fuck was that all about and
went back to his magazine. A few minutes later the came thru the front door, bit
the cat, tossed down a hand full of M&M's ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score |
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Marine Humor 3/27/2007
Our Army Unit was overseas conducting maneuvers with the
Marines. On shift one night, a Marine asked my sergeant
where he was from. "I'm originally from Central
America, " said the sergeant. "Oh, yeah?"asked
the Marine. "Kansas?"
3 Comments, 108 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score |
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Navy 3/27/2007
Few people know what a quarter master does. So during my
aircraft carrier's Family Day, I Demonstrated a procedure
called semaphore - I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary
boat. When finished I pointed to a little girl in front and
asked, "Now do you know what I do?" "Yes, "
she said, "You're a cheerleader."
1 Comments, 81 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score |
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Army 3/27/2007
While in the Army, my Gabe attended Posh( Prevention
of Sexual Harassment) classes. During one session, the
sergeant said to his men, "Before you tell a joke,
ask yourselves, What would my mother think?" Gabe
replied, " Sergeant, There's a problem with
that." What is it? Asked the sergeant! If I listened
to what my mother had to say, I wouldn't have joined
the Army in the first place, said ...
3 Comments, 118 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score |
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No Phone 3/27/2007
I returned home from vacation only to discover my phone
was dead. So I went to a neighbor's home and called the
phone company. They assured me they would be over by the
end of the day. The end of the day came and went. So did the
following day. On the third day, I borrowed my friend's
phone again, this time to complain. "I'm sorry, "
said the customer service rep." We tried calling
you to make ...
2 Comments, 103 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score |
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Jane & Tarzan 3/26/2007
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted
to him and during her questions about his life she asked
him how he engaged in sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained
to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the
trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong
but I will show you how to do it properly." She took
off her clothes, lay ...
0 Comments, 155 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score |
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Snow White & Pinocchio 3/26/2007
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she
ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then
sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
0 Comments, 122 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
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Red 3/26/2007
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when
suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and,
holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm
going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her
picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at
him and said, "No, you're not. You're going
to eat me, just like it says in the ...
0 Comments, 133 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
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Pinocchio 3/26/2007
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he
could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper
wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
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To Be An Alaskan 3/26/2007
This Texan did not like to be in the second largest state
he wanted to be in the largest state. So he came to Alaska
and asked an Alaskan how he could become an Alaskan. The
alaskan said there are three things you must do. (1) You
must piss in the Yukon River (2) Then you must make love to
an Eskimo woman (3) You must then fight a Polar Bear. The
Texan than said ok. After a few weeks the Texan ...
1 Comments, 86 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score |
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Army Airborne 3/26/2007
The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you
should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten
to the part about reserve parachutes when another student
raised his hand. "If the main parachute malfunctions, "
he asked, "how long do we have to deploy the reserve?"
Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor
replied, "The rest of your life."
3 Comments, 102 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score |
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joke 3/24/2007
a couple is sitting at the breakfast table when the wife
says hun do u know this is our 50ith anniversary and her husband
says yes i know and she says do u remember when we were younger
and used to have breakfast completely naked why dont we
do that know so he agrees she tells him her tits get hot for
him even after all these years and he says well of course
they ar u have one in your coffee and ...
3 Comments, 121 Views,
10 Votes
,4.38 Score |
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Swinging 3/24/2007
Two couples are out camping in the woods. They have known
each other for a long time. One of the husbands suggested
to the other three. "Let's try swapping".
All of them thought it would be fun and agreed. That night they switched partners. After a wild sex that totally exhausted him, he said, "That
was really great. Hey, do you think the wives are enjoying
as much as we are?"
2 Comments, 198 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score |
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Slut and bitch 3/24/2007
What is the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will sleep with anyone. A bitch will sleep with anyone
except you.
1 Comments, 112 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
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Really Bad 3/23/2007
West Virginia pick-up lines > > 1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away. > > 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
> > 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold
it in. > > 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign
you out. > >5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself
in em. > > 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store
my nuts in yer ...
3 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score |
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Blonde! 3/22/2007
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into
a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking
lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.
He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the ...
3 Comments, 156 Views,
13 Votes
,5.16 Score |
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, you got to love em 3/19/2007
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know the cat as dead?" she asked him.
"Because i pissed in it's ear and it didn't
move, " answered the innocently.
"You did WHAT!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, " explained the boy, "i leant
over and went 'Pssst', and it didn't move."
4 Comments, 232 Views,
11 Votes
,5.22 Score |
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Ventriloquist 3/18/2007
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in the elks lodge #2309.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual
dumb blond jokes when a blond woman, we'll call her
Maureen, in the forth row, stands on a chair and shouts:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes!
What makes you think that you can stereotype women that
way? What ...
0 Comments, 138 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score |
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DICTIONARY FOR ARGUING WITH WOMEN 3/18/2007
1. “Fine” This is the word women use at the end of any argument when
they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you
argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER
use “Fine” to describe how she looks. This
will cause you to have one of those arguments.) 2. “Five minutes” This is half an hour. It is equivalent to ...
1 Comments, 148 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score |
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What is it? 3/18/2007
Hey bet you can't answer this one!
What gets longer when pulled................
Fits between your boobs..............
Inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked?........................
scroll down to find the answer.....
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/ ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score |
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Blonde Joke 3/17/2007
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little amused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has
been buying the stuff from drug stores on a regular basis and would like
some more.
I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't
have any", "But I always buy ...
0 Comments, 167 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score |
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Old Military Humor 3/17/2007
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial
flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled
off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently,
in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married,
two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through
a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United ...
0 Comments, 119 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
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Government Job 3/16/2007
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes, "he says, "I was in Vietnam for three
years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points
toward employment, " and then asks, "Are you
disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%...a mortar round exploded
near me and blew my testicles off."
The ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score |
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Paperless 3/16/2007
After my speech at a tech conference on Tips for Going Paperless,
I open the floor to questions. I have one, said a man. Where
are the handouts?
0 Comments, 77 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score |
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Slogans 3/16/2007
(1) Seen on the side of a garage truck, Purveyors of Fine
Used Foods. (2) On a One Flush Plumbing truck, One Flush
Beats a Full House. (3) On a sign outside Mac's, a sporting
goods store, A Tulsa Tradition Since Last Month.
0 Comments, 59 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score |
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Surgeon 3/16/2007
One of our surgeons recently suggested to a patient that
he have a benign growth removed. Will it be expensive? asked
the patient. About $400, the doctor replied. Is it a dangerous
operation? The doctor scoffed, I don't do dangerous
for $400.
0 Comments, 81 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
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Christians 3/16/2007
Going over our church finances, I found a receipt from a
local paint store signed by someone named Christian. I
wasn't aware of anyone buying paint, so I called the
store to point out its mistake. I'am sorry, I told the
manager, but there are no Christians here at Frist Baptist
Church.
0 Comments, 78 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score |
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Titanic 3/16/2007
A teacher, a dustman and a lawyer find themselves waiting
outside the pearly gates. Eventually, St Peter emerges and informs them that in order
to get to heaven, they'll each have to answer one question.
St Peter turns to the teacher. "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They made a movie about it." The teacher answers quickly, "That would be Titanic."
St Peter lets him ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score |
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Aftershave! 3/16/2007
A Navy chief and an Admiral are sitting in a Barbershop They have both just finished having a shave, and the barber
reaches for some aftershave. "Hey! Don't put that stuff on me!" the Admiral
shouts. "My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"
The chief turns to his barber and says: "Go ahead and
put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel
smells like."
0 Comments, 53 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score |
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Ladies night out 3/16/2007
Bar - Ladies Night Out! >> Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night
Club. >> One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us,
so she pulled out > a >> 10 bill >> >> When the male dancer came over to us, my friend
licked the 10 bill > and >> stuck it to his butt cheek! >> >> Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a 20
bill. >> >> She called the guy back, licks the 20 bill, and ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score |
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Best Blonde Joke of the Year! 3/11/2007
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight
to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut &
stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the
mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went.
As the man was getting ready to ...
0 Comments, 124 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score |
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"Sweet" revenge 3/11/2007
A young woman and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's
her turn to buy a round, she tells him of a wonderful new drink
that he simply must try. She returns with the usual lager
for herself but for him she has two glasses and a salt shaker.
One glass contains a measure of Bailey's Irish Cream,
and the other has lime juice. "Okay, what you have
to do is put a large pinch of salt on your ...
0 Comments, 116 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score |
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Mathematician and his wife 3/11/2007
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain
needs, which you are no longer able to satisfy, I am otherwise
happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not
be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive
this letter, I will be at that Grand Hotel with my 18 year
old teaching assistant. ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score |
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Hilary Clinton's Grammar School Visit 3/11/2007
Hillary Clinton was spending the morning at a primary school
to talk to the about her job as a US Senator.
After her talk, she offered question time. One little boy
raises his hand and Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: first - whatever happened
to you medical health care plan? Second - why would you ...
0 Comments, 102 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score |
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rooster and cat 3/11/2007
There was a cat and a rooster wondering by the lake.Both
were famished looking for any food they could find, later
on the rooster found himsle focusing apon a worm inching
its way near by.The rooster the proceeds to pounce oon the
worm eating it quickly then resting after his meal, he
rubs his belly with pure satisfacation.The cat looks at
the rooser and thinks to himself well if he can do it so ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score |
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Introduction 3/11/2007
A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he
noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black
guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7
foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy fainted!!
The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought
him to, slapping his face and shaking ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score |
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NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A WOMAN 3/11/2007
THIS GUY COMES INTO THE BAR AND TAKES A SEAT ANNOUNCING THAT
HE IS BUYING DRINKS FOR EVERYONE. HIS MULTI MILLIONAIRE FATHER IS ABOUT TO DIE WITHIN THE
NEXT TWO WEEKS AND HE IS GOING TO INHERIT IT ALL. THIS IMPRESSED THIS GORGEOUS WOMAN WHO AGREED TO GO HOME
WITH HIM. WITHIN THE NEXT THREE DAYS THE MAN COMES BACK TO THE BAR WITH
THE SAME GORGEOUS WOMAN ONLY NOW SHE IS HIS STEPMOTHER.
3 Comments, 211 Views,
12 Votes
,4.92 Score |