Before I Die I Want To...

5/23/2014

Would it not be more prudent to say, need to or have to…
it seems somewhat banal to utter want when it would only
be an exercise in redundancy, I want to want more; no it would
have to be prefaced with need, have, or some other exposition.
So I remove “more” more love, power, knowledge, money,
and focus on three, one time wishes; a bucket list, a Faustian
deal perhaps but for now might it be a confession… Before
I die, I want to know she loves me.

My first consideration was to be in love but how many times
have I thought of myself as being in love… Danielle
, Chrissy , Susan the theory being I remember
their names even now and they were all so terribly close.
Honestly how does one define love; with my limited experience
I offer a rather simplistic answer as thus… the removal
of self in exchange for another, or something along these
lines.

I have become proficient at noticing the clichés such
as the heart skips a beat, being left breathless, and even
the concept of falling in love. How often have I requited
of the idea of an angel falling from grace, falling from
Heaven and I want to catch her, I want to be something for
her that no one else can be, more to the point I want to be something
that no one else dares and for her to dare such love. Not to
be morbid but to love someone, with all that you are is in
its essence a death sentence… and to be born again; I have
never imagined such with any god but who can love a god, a
goddess, I believe in angels, dreams, girls and that is
what scares me the most; such realness

“You make me want to be a better man” As Good As It
Gets (1997)

On the other hand I wish to be so much worse… in my younger
days and even now I remain a hopeless romantic, I gave pretty
girls sweet words, gave one a CD, I wanted to be the knight
in shining armor, prince charming, Mr. Brightside.
I often imagine this is what led to my obsession with BDSM,
the Dominant and Submissive dynamic, my fascinations
with RAVISHMENT and of course my sadist leanings
and so my second illumination Before I die, I want to break
her.

“When she's abandoned her moral center and teachings...when
she's cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like
demeanor...when I have so corrupted this fragile thing
and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton
for my enjoyment and pleasure.....enticing from within
this feral lioness...growling and scratching and biting...taking
everything I dish out to her.....at that moment she is never
more beautiful to me.” Marquis de Sade

I am not a heart breaker, bone breaker, spirit, or the mind
so when I say “break her” I envision a rope or a chain
and while I find the idea of a collar quite appealing I suppose
I want to set us both free. Someone uses the term unconditional
and immediately I wonder of conditions; whatever could
I do to make you hate me, to make you leave me. Maybe it’s
the prospect of what rules I am willing to break, where I
draw the line and when such a line is drawn I want to be free,
I want her to be free and never again will I worry of her love
for me.

Lastly I had an epiphany… I use the term hopeless romantic
but how exactly am I hopeless, nay the problem stems from
my overabundance of hope. It’s because of hope I am still
here; feel free to take that how you will; Before I die I want
to live hopeless/ live brave.

“I’m gonna overflow!” FLCL

I don’t want to live with the hope she will never leave
but to be hopeless enough to know that she will stay; truthfully
who lives hoping that love will never leave them?

Tom: “I need to know that you're not gonna wake up
in the morning and feel differently.” Summer: “And
I can't give you that. Nobody can.” 500 Days of
Summer

I want that forever type of hopelessness that we’ll be
together, not because we have no choice, or because of an
oath, or anything but to walk into the dark because for us
there is nothing else but us. I hope to find a girl like this
and never again because if I do, then I have made a terrible
mistake…