Boyz on the Side... (Amy
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Posted:Aug 7, 2008 9:55 pm
Last Updated:Mar 27, 2010 6:06 pm
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Love and Marriage, love and marriage...go together like a and carriage
So what if some of us like having more than one to pull our carriage! Lately the whole "BUT YOUR MARRIED" thing has been coming up a lot. It's like the guys I want, forget that "Hello I've been married for 11+ years now" it's not likely I've forgotten. Yet they always seem to want, no NEED to throw that in my face. Like it's some sort of fucking curse. Greg and I are comfortable with who we are as a couple that we allow each other our freedom. Why the FUCK can some of you boys NOT get it.
Now, with that little vent out of the way I did talk to Derek my tattoo artist over last weekend and he did shed some light on certain situations. You see, Derek is an absolutely, positively all out Alpha Male kind of guy. I adore that. I adore him, and I value his opinion as one of my dearest friends. And so when HE brings up the "BUT YOUR MARRIED" thing I about flip! I literally almost throw the phone right out my car window. But I didn't. Partially because I knew he would totally kick my ass if I hung up on him lol.
So, evidently he has been reading my blogs as of late and noticed that they were a bit more sad than normal and was wondering what the hell was up. So, I go into this whole tirade about seeing someone on a regular basis and that I think he is a bit of an Alpha Male and he is making me crazy and I have no idea what to do because he is pulling away, doesn't want to have sex nearly as often, etc.
Well the first thing out of his mouth is the "Evil Statement of Doom". But he does go on to explain. See a true Alpha Male wants to have control, wants his woman when he wants her and doesn't like to share certain things. He wants his opinion to count and wants it to be THE male opinion. When you are already married, he can't really ask this of you without complicating things further. Therefore, eventually, when he can't have what he wants, he will give up and move on.
So, ok I get that. I really do. It just turns out that the guy I was talking about really ISN'T an Alpha Male, he's just truly an Asshole.
Go figure LOL! Seems I was the ONLY one who didn't figure it out and still don't want to admit it to myself.
(((EDIT: One other point about Mr. Asshole I wanted to make, he got all Ass-bent because in his opinion I wanted 2 men to love me and he didn't think that was FAIR because he didn't have someone to go home to. Ok I can get that, but I have a husband who is also my soul mate. Can't help that already. I wanted a friend & lover in him. He couldn't grasp that I can love someone without it being the same kind of love with them that I am with Greg. The line between sex and love is very fine, and even more so when you want to love that person as a friend and call them lover. I had no problem with it. He did. Still does I think. But, until he can understand how I work, how I function as a female, he just won't get it. And I am truly sad for that because honestly I think he could use a female friend and lover who can help him with some of the issues he has. I was willing to go through the tough crap but he walked away from me. But maybe its just my "Fix It" instinct and that's why I can't let it go...who knows)))
Now, along these same lines, I can understand why some single males can have reservations with playing with a married woman. If they do eventually want to find "the one" for them, then fucking a married chick might not be the best answer. It's a lot of the reason I tend to prefer playing with married men actually, a lot less "puppy syndrome" for me to deal with.
Although right now, I'd settle for some pure, unadulterated, non-complicated, absolute fun. Sex has become a stressful thing for me lately. Seems I can't get it when or where I want it and that's just weird for me. (((EDIT: Ok I'm not trying to sound "ALL THAT" with this statement, its just up until recently, if I wanted to get laid, I had several options open to me. It's only recently that these options aren't as plentiful for some reason. And it could be due to the fact I did take myself off the market voluntarily because of Mr. Asshole, and that was my choice)))
I am also quite aware I have been looking in some wrong places, trying for things that were bad ideas from the start or falling for certain guys that have no interest in me (even when I thought there was some). So my fucked up psyche prevails once again and I am in overdrive and no clear road ahead of me. WHAT THE FUCK!!!
(((EDIT: Also, let me reiterate here. I swing because I love sex. I enjoy the chase. I get off on the adrenaline rush, the excitement, the whole she-bang!!! It's NOT for love, its not to have 2 husbands. It's all sexually driven for me from the get go. That's why sometimes, its purely a one night stand sort of thing because after that initial push of Lust, the thrill is gone. And the THRILL is what I have to have. THAT'S my drug of choice. My addiction.
So while yes, I do have a loving, adorable, amazingly fully capable husband at home who keeps me happy, there is something that I fulfill within myself by being in the Lifestyle. And THAT is what I am missing right now. It is not, nor ever has been about Greg not satisfying me in any way. He does that spectacularly. There is just that something else that I need, crave, desire, have to have. It truly is an addiction I think. Otherwise, I am pretty damn fucking Happy!!!)))
So, now what. It's like all my playmates have gone into hibernation suddenly and aren't interested in sex. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? You're MEN for hells sake. Is it me? Am I that horrifying now? I mean I know the girls aren't what they used to be but damn…I'm honestly starting to get a complex. It was easier for me to get laid when I was heavier I swear LOL!
I have no idea what to do. Hence my bloggage, hoping my peeps will come and tell me what to do next.
Help me Obi-Wan - you're my only hope...
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Its time for me to go SUPERNOVA... (Amy's Blog)
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Posted:Jul 14, 2008 8:53 pm
Last Updated:Dec 18, 2011 10:18 pm
5713 Views
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"SHINE" by Anna Nalick..
Oh the night makes you a star
And it holds you cold in its arms
You're the one to whom nobody verses I love you
Unless you say it first
So you lie there holding your breath
And its strange how soon you forget
That you're like stars
They only show up when it's dark
Cause they don't know their worth
And I think you need to stop following misery's lead
Shine away shine away shine away
Isn't it time you got over how fragile you are
We're all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that's who you are
And you've only begun to shine
There are times when the poets and pornstars align and
You won't know who to believe in
Well that's a good time to be leavin'
And the past knocks on your door
And throws stones at your window at 4 in the morning
Well maybe he thinks it's romantic
He's crazy but you knew that before
And I think you need to stop following misery's lead
Shine away Shine away Shine away
Isn't it time you got over how fragile you are
We're all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that's who you are
And you've only begun to shine
Yeah you've only begun to shine
Won't you shine shine shine shine over shadow
Shine shine shine shine over shadow
Shine shine shine shine over
And I think you need to stop following misery's lead
Shine away Shine away Shine away
Isn't it time you got over how fragile you are
We're all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that's who you are
And you've only begun to shine
Yeah you've only begun to shine
Yeah you've only begun to shine
Yeah you've only begun to shine
So, it's about time I go Super Nova. Lately, I have been following misery's lead and it got me to a place I absolutely don't like being. It made me question everything about myself and I still wonder about some things, and probably always will. However, it has crippled me in a way I never thought possible. Self doubt, self criticism and basic insecurity are NOT what I choose to live with any more. Its frustrating because even as I type that last sentence, in the back of my head that little voice is telling me "Yes you will, you always do…" but the bitch just needs to shut the fuck up. I really don't know how I let myself get to this point. Usually I quit that mode pretty quickly, but I think a lot had to do with certain people, fate and pretty much really crappy timing.
I have mentioned before that it's strange, in my life, men OTHER than my husband make me crazy. And that happens to be the case right now. Literally, I felt like I was going insane for awhile. Still do to a certain extent really, but I think that is always going to be there…I've always been more feisty than not, and if you know me, you know that to be true. Feisty requires just a little bit of insanity I think.
I have men in my life that I care about to varying degrees as I have mentioned before in my blogs. These lovers (because they have each attained that status in my life at some point) all seemed to break away at the same time. For one reason or another, due to their life, their worlds, or maybe just their disinterest in me, who knows? All I do know is that our relationship changed and it really affected me, a lot more than I ever thought it would. It made me discount who I knew I was, because as I look back I realized I didn't have any excuses left as to why I might not be who they wanted anymore, other than them not wanting ME anymore.
When you grow up a fat chick, you get used to rejection, just like you relish acceptance when it happens, because of your weight. If someone "wants" you it's because they want who you are as a person, because they take the time to get to know the real you. Or so I think. If they don't want you, it's MUCH easier to think it's because of your weight or they think you are ugly, because you don't want to look any deeper than that. I never wanted to and never did.
I think when things changed in these relationships (mind you none of them changed for the worse, they just changed) it was harder on me because I didn't have the whole "it's because I'm Fat or it's because they think I'm Ugly" excuse to rationalize it within myself anymore. I was forced to consider, it was because they didn't want Me. It struck me hard thinking that I was SUCH a failure as a woman that I couldn't keep their attention, their desire, their "love" because I had no other recourse within my own mind. I had never not had an "excuse" to fall back on.
Then, as I tried so hard to work through this evolution of thinking, such as it was, I realized that I wasn't the only person in these relationships. Funny how I never put any fault on them, it was always "I wasn't good enough". I took all the blame and left them being these perfect men, only finding flaws with Me, not them finding flaws within themselves, or having situations within their own lives that I had no control over that influenced them into slowing things down. I was always the failure point.
Whatever the case may have been for each of them at this point doesn't really even matter, it matters more to me that I realize it's never necessarily ALL about me being a failure. Failing to please them, failing to be the woman they want, need, or desire. I know for certain, at some point I was, at least for awhile. And that's got to be enough. Will it be? I don't know but I have to try and let it be. Otherwise I will continue this stupid cycle and never get back to being myself.
I am an intense woman. I can be a lot to handle. I know this. No matter how much I try to change that, try to get away from it and be the sweet, conforming woman that some men seem to want, I end up imploding within myself.
I am loud. I am feisty. I am provocative. I am sexual. I am not afraid of who I am. I love life. I am brave. I am open. And I don't scare easily. However, I fall fast and I fall hard. I crave attention. I want to be loved. I want acceptance. I want to be desired. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I try too hard and then sometimes don't try hard enough. I procrastinate yet I want what I want when I want it.
The Pros and Cons of Me.
I can't fix one without bending another. I am trying to find my balance, because I can't please you all, so pleasing myself is my only other option.
It's time for my Super Nova. I need to quit letting the shadows over take me. I need to quit trying to make myself into someone I'm not, just to please others. Because in the end, is that really who they want? Someone who is only trying to be someone else? No. That's not who I am. I can say THAT with confidence. I just sometimes slip, because pleasing them is my drug of choice, my absolute addiction. I get that instant gratification but its short lived because it's never really a TRUE high. I can't ever keep up the illusion long enough.
So hopefully, from here on out, I can slip back into my own self again and work with that. If the men in my life don't want/like/desire/need me, I need to face the fact that it could be due to my intensity (which is everything or any one thing about me) or it could be due to their own thing. Or shock of all shocks, it could be a combination of both. Life is hard enough to deal with, why create more drama in my head when it doesn't exist for anyone else.
Its time I got over how fragile I am…I've only begun to SHINE!
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Ok Girlies, this RANT is for you...(Amy's Blog)
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Posted:Jan 16, 2008 7:09 pm
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2008 8:06 pm
6147 Views
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Why. That’s my question. Why are some women completely insane!!??!! Do we as females not have enough shit to worry about that we have to inflict even MORE pain on other people, especially our guys? I find it incredulous that there are women out there who rule their husbands with an iron thumb. WHY? Are you that worried about them straying or cheating on you that you need to know where they are 24 hours a day? Are you that controlling that you actually tell your husband NO he can’t do something, as if he is a ? Maybe that’s it, these women are in Mommy-Mode and since I have never been there I don’t know how to react to that. Whatever the reason, just STOP, its insanity that you can not allow an adult man who has committed himself to you, to do as he pleases.
I first started noticing this when Greg and I first got married and we had our very first Lan Party in our home. 20 guys and their computers, all playing video games, all night long. To some, pure hell, to those that are gamers like us, nirvana, or as I prefer ”Nerdvana”. Yet every half hour or so some crazed wife would be calling their husband telling him to come home or that “he has played enough games for one night and it was time to leave” or questioning if he was “really” at a computer party. I couldn’t believe it. And even worse, some wives show up, sit there, and bitch the entire time that they want to leave, asking when it’s going to be over, etc. GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY YOU WHACKO!!! Now obviously I didn’t say that but the whole time I see this sort of thing happening that’s what my “inner dude” is screaming.
I just don’t get the whole controlling thing. I could never in a million years think about telling Greg he couldn’t do something, couldn’t go out, play games or couldn’t see some of his friends (yes even girlfriends). Those thoughts are not part of my thinking process so when women start doing this I just don’t get it. I especially don’t understand chicks that get so angry when their guy plays video games. I mean wouldn’t you rather have him home sitting on his X-Box or playing computer games instead of out at a titty bar if that’s what you are worried about? I mean fuck, he’s gonna spend A LOT less on games than he would drinking & sliding dollar bills across the stage to some nameless chick just to get her to wiggle her ass in his face.
Now granted I can get the whole money thing. You have to draw the line at expenditures at some point. Greg and I both have told one another “No we really can’t afford that right now” but to flat out deny him something just because you can, makes you come off as a Vicious Blood Sucking Shrew and not just to him. His friends do notice and believe me, they will give him NO END OF SHIT about it, which in turn just makes him resent you for making him feel even more like a pussy whipped little boy asking for Mommy’s permission or will make him do things even more under the table so he doesn’t have to deal with the crap you put him through. Either way, YOU LOSE!!!
Do you honestly think it’s healthy for either of you? Don’t get me wrong, I know men can do the same thing to women but lately it’s just been more on the female side saying NO that I have noticed, mostly because I hang out more with the guys then the girls. Again, I just don’t get it.
Whew ok, just had to get that off my chest. Poor guy in my office has one of these wives and it just amazes me that he has to actually SNEAK around to play Guitar Hero for fuck sake lol. I mean sure I wanna scream Man Up and get some balls but in all reality, I know how hard it is to love your wife and try to make things work and there just comes a time when its just easier to give in. I’ve been there, the path of least resistance is much better than the path loaded with land mines that could go off at any moment…especially when the mine pattern changes depending on her mood, time of the month or wind patterns in Belgium.
All I ask is that we women take a look at how hard we are on our guys about stupid shit. Realize what he has to go through just being “the man of the house” and dealing with wanting to take care of his family, be the provider and HUNTER OF MEAT (its that left over caveman DNA…they all have it no matter what we ladies think). So give him some space, let him have his down time. Try NOT treating him like a , and you might actually get the response you are trying for. You get more bees with honey than with vinegar and some of ya’ll are big fucking bottles of balsamic gone bad!!!
Now, in other news…I hit my head on Monday and have been recovering the past couple days so if you have emailed me or sent me a text I will get back to you I promise. I was at work, in our copy room and bent down to pick up something that was on the floor and as I stood back up I caught the corner of the overhead cabinet right on my left temple, above my ear. They thought I might have given myself a concussion but turns out I didn’t. I do still have a nice big bump on my noggin’ and there’s still a scratch but no stitches were needed. So, there’s my Dumb Ass Move for this week all done lol.
I hope you all are having a good week and for hells sake BLOG PEOPLE!!! It helps to cope with anything and everything. Plus it keeps me entertained and THAT’S what’s important hehe.
Much Love to my Peepage!!!
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Swinging, Bisexual Women and Girlplay...
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Posted:Jan 9, 2008 7:41 pm
Last Updated:Dec 18, 2011 10:25 pm
6243 Views
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OK Everyone, its time for this She-Hitch (or shall we just call me "Shitch") to have yet another heart to heart with you boys…
Swinging, Bi-sexual Women and Girlplay.
Pretty much the male fantasy masturbatory trifecta for many of you guys. Now speaking from experience in ALL THREE of these realms let me just point out a few primary things that you may or may not realize about "The Lifestyle".
Let's first off tackle Swinging, aka "The Lifestyle".
For a lot of people older than "Gen X" the stereotypical swinger icon involved gold chains, shirts showing lots of chest hair and a smarmy attitude, picture Leisure Suit Larry. However, post 1990 that's not really the way things are any more. Sure you're going to come across that type of guy on a rare night but generally speaking when you talk about swingers you are talking about the nice couple next door, who just so happen to have a Freak Flag flying outside their quaint little 3 bedroom, 3.2 , loving, 2 car garage home. Its much more main stream now than it has ever been and I would bet that most of you out there know a swinger. You just may not KNOW that they swing hehe. Now, the reason this topic is on "The List". Just because you swing does not automatically mean you're easy. In fact I would venture to say that most people who swing are much pickier than the average person who dates regularly. Speaking from my own experiences (and yes I have been swinging now for 2 years FYI ) I am definitely much more prone to quality than quantity. However, some of you out there seem to think that because my profile says Swinger it's a free for all to send me such alluring messages as "Hey you swing too so lets fuck!" or "Wow baby, you're hot, lets meet tonight and you can do me". Yes, these Mensa candidates took precious time out of their busy day to send me a private message and while I was so tempted to reply back with a resounding YES! I decided against it ‒ call me crazy.
Aside from the erratic email spam begging me to do various things to them and/or their body parts, there are those that make it past the "reality filter" and I actually do carry on conversations with some people. Surprisingly enough when the topic comes around to parties which involve my friends or swing partner's etc, people always assume it's a huge MOSH PIT OF SEX going on in my living room. Yes we have a sex swing, yes we entertain people at our home, and YES there's sometimes sex involved however, just because we have a party and swingers get invited, does not mean that it's an orgy. Orgies, in general, take a huge amount of planning and cooperation. Trust me lol. So if you should get an invite to my home for a party, or to any swinger's home, please do NOT assume that you will be getting laid or that you will get to watch someone getting laid. We are a group of friends first and foremost. If you want an on-premises club, head to the Green Door in Las Vegas, they can definitely accommodate ya hehe.
Ok, the next two things are kind of intermingled so forgive the jumping back and forth. You may need a flow chart hehe.
Bisexual Women and Girl Play.
I happen to be a bi-girl who plays with girls on occasion, that's the whole point of being bisexual HELLO. If you are a friend or playmate (aka someone whom I have sex with), that does not mean that you are or will be invited to watch. The whole idea of girls playing with girls is…NO BOYS! Sure there are occasions where a MFF (male+female+female for you novices out there) IS on the menu but that's usually something set up before hand. Contrary to popular Porn Culture, most chicks don't just drop by for a cup of sugar, see you fucking your man and just JOIN IN (although admittedly there was that one time in college hehe). Sorry to burst your bubble boys…
As a side note, if you are talking to me, wanting to play with me or in general trying to entertain me in any fashion, bringing up "So when can I see you do another chick" in any way, shape or form, at any point in the conversation, prior to us knowing each other for a very long time, is probably NOT in your best interest. Not that it's off the menu, it just tends to make a girl think "Hmmm he really has no interest in ME as a person at all, he just wants a private porn show". Oh and its even worse form to fuck me and then bring up "sharing you with my girlfriends" in our very next contact, not a shining moment let me tell ya.
Now, with all that being said, just because I am bisexual does not mean I will do any girl out there. It doesn't work like that, so if you have another girl that's bisexual as well, don't assume that we will hit it off and include you in a magical threesome with rainbows, ponies and nipple clamps. I am actually more widely attracted to men insofar as that I have a wide range of men I find alluring. Women, not so much. It takes someone very special to catch my attention, and I don't truly have a "type" of woman I like. It's mostly dependant on their personality more than anything else. So if you have a woman you'd like me to meet, great, just don't expect me to throw her on the bed and start makin' duck butter right there on the spot. Most chicks aren't wired that way, it takes time to "dance" with a woman…and getting there is half the fun.
So there you have it hehe my first rant of 2008. It has been building up for awhile now and I finally decided after getting 5 emails in a row this morning it was time. As for other things, we had a very relaxing weekend and this week is going fairly smooth so far. I know that on Friday some friends and I are headed out for dinner at The CheeseCake Factory and then on to the girl bar to dance our ass off, I can not wait!!!
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Kissing and other Deal Breakers...(Amy's Blog)
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Posted:Dec 1, 2007 10:06 am
Last Updated:Mar 27, 2010 6:01 pm
6483 Views
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Are there things that you consider deal breakers when thinking about being with someone? Besides the obvious, hygiene, appearance and over all cleanliness, I would have to say I have 2 big deal breakers. The most important to me is kissing followed closely by "the question" which I will get into in a few minutes. I love to kiss, it works me up into a frenzy and makes me crazy if you are a strong kisser, if you aren't, honestly, its kind of a let down for me and I sometimes have a hard time getting past it. There have been some amazing kissers in my life and some really horrible ones as well. There have been times when I have been so into someone only to suddenly realize they are a weak kisser and then boom the excitement is gone. I love a man that's confident in the way he kisses, he holds you in his arms, he uses the right amount of pressure and knows when to use his tongue. Conversely, a man that has "dead lips" drives me insane, and not in a good way.
To me, the way a man kisses says a lot about his personality and about how he has sex. Maybe it's the girlie idealistic part of me that wants the whole "Rhett Butler" type thing but honestly if you can't make me swoon with a kiss, chances are you aren't going to be getting me in bed anytime soon. So, how do you make me swoon you ask? I love a man that takes me in his arms, is a little bit forceful (yea that whole domination thing is always an underlying aspect for me…sorry) and leads the kiss. I want to melt into you, have my arms go around you and want to dig my nails into your back (although this rarely happens because we all know some of you boys can't go home with marks hehe). Now don't get me wrong, I love even the "Hi how are you" kind of kisses as well, but they still have to be strong kisses. You know how a 2 year old kisses, basically pressing their open mouth on your cheek? That's no way to kiss when you're past puberty, yet even now I know people that kiss that way, just basically opening their mouth, waiting for you to do all the work. THAT'S a deal breaker for me.
If you don't know how to kiss, or have never been told you're a really good kisser, ask someone! Hell, kiss me, then ask me and I'll tell you (hmmm this could be fun hehe). I will even give you pointers on what you need to do to improve your kissing. Greg doesn't call me "the female Hitch" for nothing hehe. And speaking of Greg, hehe my adorable husband…he is a fabulous kisser!!! Even when we just do our "three kisses" which is our "thing" it's still fabulous.
Now, on to the other deal breaker for me, "The Question". This is something that I usually ask at some point during a chat conversation or even face to face if we haven't chatted on IM before. The question is pretty blunt and to the point simply because I want to know how the situation will be handled, that way the awkwardness is avoided. The question basically is "Will you kiss me after I've gone down on you?". If you say No, that's a deal breaker. Hell even if you say something along the lines of "If you rinse your mouth out" THAT'S a deal breaker too. I mean come on guys, a woman just put YOUR cock in her mouth and most likely got you off, yet you won't kiss her? Now, I have been with a couple of guys that wouldn't French kiss me afterwards and that still tweaked me the wrong way but, at least they didn't refuse to kiss me.
Now I know there are some women out there that won't kiss a guy after going down on her either, so don't get me wrong, this is an equal opportunity rant! I for one LOVE the way I taste, especially on someone else so that is never an issue. I love going down on someone that has been inside me as well, but that's just another one of my little kinks hehe. It just floors me that people are so afraid of their own bodily fluids. It's insane that some guys view kissing a girl that has their cum on her lips as some sort of "gay" thing. That's just crazy. Here's a little hint boys, Chicks dig guys who kiss them after, plain and simple.
So, along with all of this oral advice let me just reiterate a couple of simple points for those of you out there contemplating the whole Mistletoe experience this Holiday Season. Brush your teeth often! Especially if you smoke, chew tobacco, love garlic or ever want to get laid. We don't want to know what you had for dinner (unless of course we just had the same thing, then it doesn't matter) nor is it particularly attractive to see little flecks of "chew" strewn between your teeth. Carry mints or cinnamon gum with you at all times, it saves you a lot of grief, however it is NOT a replacement for brushing your teeth. Good oral hygiene is a must. If you have horrible teeth, look at getting them fixed, if not for the sexual possibilities for your own health. Trust me, you may get one kiss if you don't practice good oral hygiene but you won't find many coming back for more, no matter how good a kisser you are.
Ok I have ranted enough for one morning hehe. Sorry to go off on a tangent but this weekend we are heading out to a party and evidently my husband's kissing skills are being put to the test. Seems it's kinda gotten around how fantastic a kisser he truly is and there's a line of women waiting to give him a test run lol. So it just got me thinking about what I like and dislike in kissing etc.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and enjoy yourselves tremendously. I plan on it. Tomorrow starts the "Count Down"…13 days to my birthday. Ugh. For some reason this year is bothering me more than last year, maybe its because I'm not just 40, I'm actually INTO my 40's now. But I am sure it will be fine lol as long as all you kind hearted people keep telling me I don't look my age…(wink wink nudge nudge HINT HINT) hehe.
Peace to the Peepage!!!
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Mistress: Moth or Flame? (Amys Blog)
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Posted:Nov 18, 2007 1:46 pm
Last Updated:Nov 27, 2007 5:49 pm
6401 Views
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"Like a moth to a flame", quite an interesting quote. A friend of mine recently posted a blog about what she calls "Moth to Flame Syndrome" and it has had me thinking about it ever since. Her description is probably the best I have read, so hopefully she won't mind if I copy and paste it here so that you all have a better understanding of the direction of my blog, which will probably be a long, drawn out diatribe so prepare yourself, I've had a quad shot latte and am ready to rant…
So, per the sexy M…
"Moth to the flame...Have you ever been in a new relationship. You have the butterflies in the stomach. You can't get enough of that person. Your body aches for them. Your heart seems to only be pumping to keep you alive until you can see them again, and that cannot be soon enough. You hang on every word they say. You watch them speak. You watch their lips, the way their eyes dance when they talk about what they love. You will drop anything to be with them. You will do anything to be with them, even though it isn't good for you. This is what I call the Moth to the flame syndrome."
So, with that defined my question is, are you the moth or the flame, do you know? I thought I did. But over the past few months certain things have made my decisions flip flop, a few times.
As some background, I have always thought I had a certain something that set me apart, whether it was the fact that I was never afraid of sex, or the attention it brought to me, or the fact that the guys always seemed to think I was "the cool fat chick" and preferred me to their girlfriends at times because I was always frank and open about everything. Not that I thought this trait made me special, I probably have the worst self-worth/self esteem issues of anyone, all I am saying is I knew it was a somewhat rare trait that most women don't embrace.
I have always been a strong woman, someone who felt comfortable in her own skin, whether I was the biggest girl in the room or not. It didn't matter; I always seemed to be able to find common ground with those around me, regardless. And I hope I never lose that.
In recent months people have said things that have either shocked or reinforced certain aspects of my nature. A really good friend, who I respect a lot because she really "thinks" about things, told me that I made her feel sexy when we went out together because I have such a strong aura about me. She told me that when I walk into a room I get peoples attention, and the fact that I can HOLD that attention is what she envied. I never really (REALLY) knew I could do that, although it was something I had always wanted to be able to do.
It was awesome to hear that, yet it's sort of a double edged sword. Because within the same week different people said I come across as a more dominant woman, still having a presence when I come into a room but they put it more in the realm of Dominatrix and that floored me. I am the first to admit that I prefer being a submissive, yet I guess when you get down to it the best submissive is always the one in control. Yet I don't ever want to be that "scary" woman that people roll their eyes at…however I know I have been that to some people now and it makes me wish I could change.
Anyway the reason I go into all this is to describe my evolution of sorts, maybe in hopes of making sense of where I am and what's got me in such a tizzy. You see when Greg and I started this whole lifestyle path, I was the very epitome of a moth. Show me attention and stroke my ego and I was yours. I guess I have always been that way, looking back to when I was a , any man that showed me a spark of the wrong kind of attention I went right for it. I knew it was wrong, but I liked it, craved it, wanted more of it. I guess that's where my Freak Flag flies, being a wild from the get go, even before I truly understood the reasons and ramifications it could cause. It never bothered me that I knew it was wrong, I just had to have it, even searched it out. Still do actually. So is that truly a moth or am I a flame in search of a moth…I'm not sure.
Then as we progressed and got more comfortable in our skin and with the lifestyle, I feel like I changed a bit, and enjoyed being chased. In that moment when you realize someone is into you, and you begin the dance and start "The Chase" it's electrifying and extremely addictive. It's like a drug and I constantly need a fix. It makes me feel so damn desirable, like I am the Queen of the Universe and who in the world doesn't want that is insane. At this point I feel like I am The Flame. When someone wants what I have to give and wants to be with me, and I am in control of the choices that are made, taking the lead in the dance so to speak. Yet I never want to be in total control, not really. It's almost a power struggle and that makes it even more seductive to me, when we both exchange being the flame. That's when it's the best.
And up until recently I felt exhilarated, thinking I was someone's flame. Enticing them, even though they couldn't have me when they wanted me, I felt they truly WANTED me and still do. I felt not so much like a flame ready to burn them, but a warm, comforting light that they needed, and wanted. And while that may even still be true, I am beginning to think I am the Moth. An unwitting Moth at that, because usually when I gravitate to someone in that capacity, I do so with my eyes wide open, although its usually short lived because I tend to recognize it and the flame extinguishes soon after. Whether I singe myself or not.
You see I have realized one thing about myself lately, I like being the center of someone's world (Greg has spoiled me to that end beyond repair and I am thankful). I don't handle being 3rd, 4th or 5th on someone's list very well. I know it sounds egotistical but I have gone into all this to hopefully let you see I don't mean it that way.
When I play, as I have said before, I usually have someone once or twice and then I move on, much like a guy does. Before I contemplated why, I always thought it was because the "electricity" went out, the dance ended so to speak. But really, I think it's because I am still uncomfortable with who I really am inside and am still unsure of my own ability to hold someone's attention over time. So I end it before they realize I'm not Flame they want, because the rejection for me would be too hard to accept. So end it before they do.
Yet for the past few months I have been seeing someone who I truly have special feelings for, and for whom I thought I was the Flame. Yet as I look at it, I know now I'm the moth. I guess because I have always been so lucky to have Greg treat me as the center of his Universe I started getting used to that. And even while this is a separate thing and completely different, and I am playing the part of Mistress, I guess I sort of just assumed that as a Flame, things would be the same. However, I am not the flame. I am the moth, which is somewhat surprising to me, even now. I was blindsided by it really. I was adjusting my own attitudes to appease whatever it is he needs, not really a flame trait now that I recognize it. The definition M wrote, describes me to a tee, my feelings on my sleeve, my need to please him beyond my own reality, settling for whatever I can have. All the while never realizing I was singeing around the edges. Accepting things as they come, being farther down on his list of priorities than I ever imagined I'd accept in the past. And to a point, I still do…because he does mean a lot to me, yet part of me gets angry and even jealous when I see things that make me think he has other moths…I wonder if they know they aren't the flame.
It's funny, I can share my husband with other women, even watch him with other women and enjoy it, enjoy how he reacts to others, how others enjoy him. I truly get turned on when he is with other women, when other women talk about how wonderful he is and when we share someone it's even stronger. But this semi-stranger has captivated me to the point that I don't like sharing, and I say semi-stranger because even now, I don't know as much about him as I would if we were in normal relationship. Yet I accept it, regardless of whether I'm the moth or flame, even though it racks my very core because it goes against everything I thought I was. Because I accept it, encourage it, and yet want to scream about how unfair it is, how much it hurts and that I know I am not the flame. Getting singed and going back for more, doesn't make sense I know. Yet here I am, feeling the heat even now.
I really don't know why this has gotten under my skin so badly, or even if I have a point to this all. I guess I just needed to try and make sense of all this, although I am sure if I go back and read this it probably won't make sense. I woke up this morning after discovering his new (or maybe old) moths last night…and felt the need to write. I literally could not sleep, even after staying up most of the night and being exhausted.
I look at my husband and know beyond a doubt that he and I are both the Moth and the Flame to one another. It's the perfect balance for us, and I know that I never ever want to be with out that, with out him. Yet that draw of another flame is hard to ignore…which is why we swing really.
Can I be the Moth to someone and a Flame to others without exploding all together? I know my wings aren't fire safe, yet I can't stay away from the Flame, nor do I even want to try. That's not what this was about. I think I just needed to get out the fact that I know deep down the role I thought I was in, never existed. And while I feel anger and frustration, it only makes the pull to the flame stronger…strange how that happens. Even when I can clearly see it, I can't ignore it or stop it. I guess I truly am an Eternal Moth.
Or maybe I'm just a Firefly, glowing like a flame to some, looking like a moth to others
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Exploring the Unknown (Amy's blog)
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Posted:Oct 16, 2006 7:06 pm
Last Updated:Dec 2, 2007 12:05 am
9368 Views
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I have recently been to a couple of Adult Toy parties and it has really become evident to me the number of women who are totally opposed or afraid to playing with themselves, either alone, with or for their partners! I am completely astounded.
The clitoris is the one part of a female body solely made for pleasure, yet so many women are afraid to explore it or touch it. Why? Is it the stigma attached to masturbation from your younger days? I have no idea why society puts such a bad spin on self pleasure. It doesn't hurt anyone, it's a stress reliever and it just plain feels good.
I can remember being around the age of 6 and realizing how good it felt and knowing that I shouldn't let anyone know I was doing it. I am sure at some point I was caught and told not to do it. But that of course didn't stop me!!! I was a rebel even then. Through my youth I experimented with several things as devices to make "IT" happen even faster. (I had no idea what it was called back then). Hell I didn't even know how to correctly pronounce my body parts until I was a . Vagina was "Vahg-EEE-nah" ‒ how's THAT for hooked on phonics LOL.
Then I turned 13 and that was the best birthday I have ever had. My mother had forbidden me to shave my legs until I was 13, so on my 13th birthday she got me a Lady Norelco Beauty Kit. After I got over the elation of shaving my legs for the first time I sat in my room that night and tried out all the other attachments! I did my nails, I did my toenails, and then came the massager heads. Lets just say that little massager became my best friend. And up until a few months ago, I still used it. Yes ladies and gents, I used that vibrator at least 5 times a week for 26 years!!! And I miss it now. It really REALLY got the job done.
See I am a very clitoral person, although ironically not entirely thrilled with oral sex. I think it has to do with the guy or girl being too gentle when going down on me. I like it hard and rough. When Greg has a lot of stubble…oh yea baby!!! And if you bite my clit, I'm in heaven. But all in all, fingering my clit as you looking into my eyes, whispering nasty things into my ear or nibbling my nipples is probably the absolute favorite thing for me. Especially if you do it well and have strong fingers. The soft little flutters just don't do enough for me. Sorry!
Now, the whole reason I went into such graphic detail is to hopefully bring out something in those out there that are too ashamed of their bodies to even TALK about this sort of thing. If you can't please yourself, your mate will have a much harder time trying to do so. If you can't actually bring yourself to masturbate then how are you going to figure out where your buttons are?
I think every woman should invest in a good vibrator or a glass dildo. Let me tell you, glass is amazing. You can heat it up, you can chill it you can have it at room temperature. Once it slides into you at any of those temps, you will thank me! And since we are on the subject, might I also suggest Slumber Parties "X-Scream" and "Nympho Niagra" (available from Amanda who is on my friends page btw) while using a glass dildo that has been chilled. The feeling of the creams heating up your clit and your vaginal wall combined with the cold, hardness of the glass dildo is mind blowing. You definitely will want a towel underneath you for this one lol.
I would also suggest getting a book on how to please yourself. You may think its all stuff you know but hell even I was surprised!!! Research is a very good thing. Exploring your own body helps you get comfortable with yourself, no matter what size you are and it will also hopefully break down the barriers you put up between you and your mate. Let them join you in exploration. Try using toys together, and pleasing one another without the other always having to reciprocate. Let it be all about her or all about him for a night…and just search their entire body and see what makes them go over the edge.
Whew, now I'm gonna have to go home and play with myself…this blog is getting me HOT!!!
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Does Fat + Female always = BBW??? (Amy's Blog Entry)
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Posted:Sep 15, 2006 8:36 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2008 8:18 pm
9196 Views
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A friend of mine made a comment one night after a group of us had been out dancing, “You know just because you’re a fat female does NOT make you a BBW, the key word is BEAUTIFUL and they are NOT beautiful!” I was shocked at the moment and was like “Shhhhh be nice!” but then I got to thinking about it later and I think she has a point!
For those of you not in the know, BBW commonly stands for Big Beautiful Woman or Women as the case may be. Now I have long since touted myself as a BBW and have been a very proud standing supporter of BBW’s so please keep that in mind as you read this little rant of mine.
Now I admit I have been a part of my fair share of “personals” sites, and still am since that’s how most people in the lifestyle meet playmates. I see the term BBW used quite liberally to describe all sorts of women, from the normal sized 16 (albeit not normal by society standards these days) all the way up to the super sized women. Most of which I think could fall into the BBW range. However, I think there are certain quantifications that should be used when applying that title to someone.
But before we get into it, let’s ponder for a moment…skinny women don’t have a widely generic acronym that describes them first as skinny then as a sub class. Why not, you may ask? I think it’s because they really don’t need it, since they are so generally accepted as beautiful, even though I have seen some of the most beautiful women turn ugly just by opening their mouth. Then again, fat women do the same thing.
Thinner women are just thin. Then they get all the other labels, MILF, Granola, Barbie, Lipstick, etc. Its just the way society dubs them, because they are the acceptable norm, thin is quite assuredly IN. Should then, all fat women be considered BBW? No. I know that sounds judgmental and maybe it is, but I think just because you’re fat does not make you a big beautiful woman. But I don’t make that judgment solely based on aesthetic beauty either. A woman can be beautiful and not be drop dead gorgeous and vice versa, a woman can be a super model and be a horribly ugly person.
So, what makes a fat chick a BBW? I think overall its how you act, how you carry yourself and your general attitude towards your own body that makes you a big, beautiful woman. And yes beauty does play a part as well I think, just not as large a part as one might think.
Fat women already have major hurdles to overcome, just by being big. Even now, clothing is harder to find, shoes are harder to find, consumerism overall is just not geared toward larger women, or men for that matter. So, unless you take more time to shop, and find the right style for your body type, you can unintentionally end up looking like a schlub. This is why a lot of fat women end up in stretch pants and tent dresses because they either don’t have the time or the desire to look for more flattering attire. They do a HUGE disservice to them selves because no matter what size you are, you should always look your best.
Once you fall into that “I can’t find anything decent to wear” trap, most women become indifferent to how they groom themselves as well. “Why should I bother putting make up on when I look like crap anyway”. I fell into that trap so many times, and believe me its hard to get yourself out of it. Why put in the effort if you get nothing out of it. But working to get something out of it IS worth the effort. It just may take more time for us than it does for the thinner women. Is it fair? No. But life isn’t fair, and it never will be.
Bad fashion, coupled with the lack of grooming leads to a horrible self image. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else is going to. If you think you’re a big fat ugly mass of flesh, why should anyone else think anything different. I feel that here is where the difference between a fat woman and a BBW emerges.
If you go out with stringy hair, no make up, the word polyester knit on ANY of your tags, clothing in disarray or things that are so tight they show off every roll on your body and you have a generally why bother attitude, then you are NOT a BBW. Nor should you use that definition to describe yourself. You are most certainly leading people astray. Harsh I know but honestly, I have been this person and believe me back then I was not a BBW.
BBW’s exude confidence in themselves. They dress well, and yes, even larger women can dress sexy if you do it the right way. They take time for grooming and hygiene. They smell great, look great and act like they have the world on a string! These are the women that deserve the title BBW. It’s all within you to be a BBW, you just have to own it and become one.
So throw off those frumpy clothes, toss out all those “I want to hide my body” 3 sizes too big shirts and dresses. Wear fitted (again not TIGHT) clothes that show off who you are, real women have curves!!! And let me tell ya ladies, Men LOVE Curves. Trust me, in the past year I have learned so much about the way a man reacts to a curvaceous body, believe me, it is a wonderful thing. Sure I want to be thinner, what woman doesn’t, but the key is that I am happy with who I am right now too. I am living for today, not putting life on hold til I drop the next 50 pounds. Be fabulous. Become a Big Beautiful Woman, don’t just use the title!
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A new kind of service
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Posted:Aug 8, 2006 8:34 pm
Last Updated:Aug 17, 2006 12:03 am
9031 Views
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Amy and I were talking on the way home from dinner and the subject of guys who could use some work came up.
Remember the movie, Hitch? With Will Smith? He's a guy that helps other guys change to make themselves more attractive to the women that they're "in love" with.
Amy has always had this talent to be able to see what a guy is doing wrong or what he needs to work on. What do you guys think of a service that consults you on what you would need to score better with the opposite (or same) sex?
I think she's good at it because she has the ability to be honest with someone, even if it hurts. Because those people are going to have a VERY low success rate until they make a change. Usually it's small things, but occasionally, a major overhaul is needed.
The question begs; Would you pay someone to tell you what you need to change to do better with a potential playmate?
Amy is making this offer:
She'll give this service to the first 3 people that contact us by mail either on here or if you know us personally, on our chat. Note, that this is really only for people who are chronically unsuccessful in hooking up with people.
This service will be free for the first 3 people and you'll need to keep in mind that she might be BRUTALLY honest about what needs to be done. It's something that you'll need to take as constructive criticism and not an insult. This is for YOUR benefit!
Here's how you contact her. Put in your subject line: "I need a Hitch" and describe your situation. We think you'll have to be local because this might require a visit from her.
(for anyone thinking this might be a chance for a hookup, please note that I am VERY protective of my wife and would not be very happy to hear that this was just someone trying to get laid)
She'll likely go over subjects of social interaction, grooming, and sexual intimacy/etiquette. Anything that will help you be a better prospect.
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Holy shit! This guy can't shut up!
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Posted:Jul 17, 2006 11:49 pm
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2006 8:31 am
9241 Views
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Ok, so I was just cruising along in our groups forums, posting away... And I'm a bit tired...
I just realized that I shouldn't post when I'm tired. It's like getting drunk, and then in the morning you see all these new people on your instant messenger and you're like, "WTF?"
So, I made this stupid mistake in my post, and I was totally obsessing over it, (something about quasimodo and humps), and so I posted a follow up, which I'm pretty sure just sounded loopier than the first post I'd made.
Anyone out there just feel like they're digging a hole and they just can't stop? I mean, I could practically FEEL the dirt hitting me in the head, and then I was realizing that it was ME with the shovel and that I was grinning like a fucking mad man, cackling the entire time, continuing to shovel the dirt onto myself...
Anyway, it turns out that my size 13 foot will definitely fit in my mouth and that I'm not SO flexible that I can get any kind of benefit from that.
My apologies to all who read this. This blog was originally titled "All the Crap that Spews Out of My Mouth", or something like that. Amy, who is wise beyond her years decided for something a bit more... Mellow.
Someone did bring up the other night that I'm the guy who posts on the majority of the Senior Sizzle blogs. She has some REALLY good stuff on her blogs on Myspace and Yahoo. We'll let you treasure hunt for those if you want, but good luck. If you REALLY want to read them, strike up a conversation with us and we'll see what happens.
-Greg
(Surprised I could say all that with this big foot in my mouth)
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You drunk bastard!
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Posted:Jul 9, 2006 10:30 am
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2006 8:31 am
9314 Views
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So I had some fun last night at a party (no, not THAT kind of fun, just the social kind), and I was pretty liquored up. I feel a little bad about it this morning because I it's mostly a jumble in my head of what happened. I don't remember getting home, but I know that Amy was driving.
We stopped a couple time to take some pictures of the moon and of a fire on the side of the mountain and I'm hoping they turned out ok.... Maybe we'll post them on the blog.
Anyway, I feel a little bad because I feel I HAVE to drink to get those inhibitions stored away so I can be more social. I don't require alcohol to have a good time, but I feel like I'm a bit more fun when I drink, JUST because I'm less inhibited.
Amy says I'm a fun drunk though, so who am I to question?
-Greg
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Defective?
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Posted:May 30, 2006 11:26 pm
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2008 8:08 pm
9582 Views
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So I was checking out my gear... Ya know, my package, my tackle, my willie... And I've had a complex about this problem I've had...
I can't believe it's going into my blog though...
So, when I was circumcized, something went wrong and not all the skin was clipped, leaving part of the skin on the underside where it formed sort of a... pocket... It's hardly noticeable, unless you know it's there, but I've always been self conscious of it.
So, am I just making a big deal out of nothing, or would this freak you out if you were to notice it?
Ah well... Who needs pride?
-Greg
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Eye Contact!
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Posted:May 29, 2006 9:21 pm
Last Updated:Aug 17, 2006 12:05 am
9415 Views
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So a while back, I'd blogged somewhere else that I was going to try to use more eye contact with the opposite sex.
I have to say that after trying it, I just ended up feeling creepy... Like a stalker. I just don't think it's me.
So I'll go back to the old Greg, who doesn't feel as creepy. 
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To link to this blog (rm_AmyNGreg) use [blog rm_AmyNGreg] in your messages.
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